Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Christie’s announced it will auction Elizabeth Taylor’s jewelry collection that Richard Burton bought for Liz every time they would fight and make up. He was not a faithful spouse. The only thing that kept him from running for president was his Welsh citizenship.
The NFL held its opener between the Green Bay Packers and the New Orleans Saints Thursday. It was pretty grim. The league had to borrow the silver dollar for the pre-game coin toss from the Federal Reserve and at the end of the game they owed China two dollars.
Jackie Kennedy revealed in tapes that aired Friday the FBI recorded Martin Luther King organizing sex parties in Washington D.C. The revelation came just a week after his statue was dedicated in the capital. Thanks to cell phone cameras, there will never be another statue on the National Mall again.
Mattel introduced Sinatra Barbie Thursday, with the doll dressed in a hound’s tooth suit. The accessories make the outfit. The doll is wearing a fedora hat and carrying a fifth of Jack Daniel’s, and the doll’s hair is made from the same synthetic fibers as Frank’s.
Christian Dior’s famous former designer John Galliano was fined in Paris for making anti-Semitic remarks in a French bar. Last March he got coked up and praised Hitler on YouTube. Palestine isn’t even a state yet and already people are running for president of it.
WikiLeaks released classified U.S. cables Friday saying Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah was actually ninety-two and not eighty-two as he claimed and that he still takes Viagra. If he’s ever overthrown and needs to hide, he can always try the front row of the Laker games.
President Obama addressed a joint session of Congress Thursday to propose more money for federal construction projects and more money for teachers. His motive is self-preservation. He could be overrun by the Red States if he doesn’t pay the union army.
The Reagan Library held a GOP presidential debate Wednesday between eight of the candidates. These are starting to sound the same. They spent the first half-hour arguing about which one of them God called first to come in and read for the part of the president.
NBC News anchor Brian Williams asked Rick Perry at Thursday’s GOP debate how he can sleep after executing two hundred people. The governor defended executions and drew huge applause. Americans will take shovel-ready projects any way they can get them.
Texas Governor Rick Perry decided to make Social Security a campaign issue during Thursday’s debate by describing the Social Security system as one big Ponzi scheme. That is not true at all. People don’t go to jail if they refuse to pay into a Ponzi scheme.
NASA launches a new mission to the moon Thursday sending two robots to the lunar surface who will measure gravity and chase each other in circles. It’s an old story. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldren have lost their jobs to a pair of ATM machines on roller skates.
Dick Cheney openly urged Hillary Clinton to run for president against Barack Obama on Thursday. He called her the most formidable and attractive Democrat. Dick Cheney proved the old adage true that women get more beautiful the closer you get to closing time.
San Francisco supervisors banned public transportation passengers Thursday from sexually rubbing against other passengers Thursday. It’s typical California logic. They banned the one activity that might actually persuade people to take public transportation.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 9.12.11

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