Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Mel Gibson signed to make a movie about Israel’s ancient Jewish military hero Judas Maccabeus. Mel had good reason for choosing this project. When a Malibu court orders you to do community service you don’t get credit unless it opens on five thousand screens.
Michael Jackson’s attending physician Dr. Conrad Murray’s trial began Friday in Los Angeles. The jury has been ordered not to use any social media during the trial. This could be the first trial in history where both the victim and the jury died from withdrawal.
Jackie Kennedy said in tapes released Friday that Martin Luther King organized sex parties in Washington in the early Sixties. She’s one to talk. Whenever Jackie wanted to see her husband privately she had to put on a blonde wig and wait her turn in the secretarial pool.
Southern California had a power outage Thursday, knocking out electricity from San Diego to Orange County. People couldn’t watch President Obama’s speech. They had to improvise by standing up in the living room and denouncing each other as obstructionists.
President Obama spoke to Congress Thursday and demanded they pass his jobs bill, which would build public projects by raising taxes on the wealthy. It didn’t get very good reviews. After the speech he was flagged fifteen yards for interference with an NFL opener.
The Washington Post slammed GOP senators for laughing during President Obama’s jobs speech to Congress Thursday. The senators weren’t insulting him at all. It’s a tribute to Barack Obama’s comedy timing that they’re still laughing at jokes they’ve heard so often.
Mitt Romney on Friday ripped Rick Perry’s assertion that Social Security is a Ponzi scheme. The game is on. The GOP race is now down to Rick Perry and Mitt Romney, at least until the Republicans can convince their first choice, George Hamilton, to enter the race.
GOP candidate Bob Turner led by six points for the New York congressional seat vacated by Democrat Anthony Weiner. It was a safe seat until he posted naked pictures of himself on Twitter. Democrats would’ve had this seat in their hip pocket but they couldn’t keep their pants on.
The Ford Motor Company broke ground Monday for a new auto plant in India which will employ five thousand autoworkers. Fords are a popular starter-car there. In India they believe that if a Ford lives a good and generous life it’ll come back in its next life as a BMW.
President Obama proposed a four hundred and fifty billion dollar jobs bill Thursday, which would be financed by higher taxes. He vowed more speeches on it. The president got up and showered and shaved this morning because later in the day he’s going to address a joint session of Congress to announce that he got up, showered and shaved this morning.
President Obama’s speechwriter Jon Lovett announced Friday he’s quitting to pursue his dream to work in L.A. as a comedy writer. It’s discouraging. What does it say when talented young people are leaving Washington D.C. for the relative sincerity of Los Angeles?
The New York Times op-ed page hailed Sarah Palin for her speech in which she attacked the ruling elites in Washington who practice crony capitalism and disconnect everyday Americans from their government. No one can believe Sarah Palin got a rave in the New York Times. Pilots watching out for terrorists on 9/11 were shocked to look out the window and see pigs flying.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 9.13.11

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