Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
George W. Bush got an ovation when he walked on-field for the pre-game coin toss of the Jets-Cowboys games. How we miss him. There wasn’t a dry eye in the stadium when he took the coin at midfield and threw a perfect strike to a player squatting on the sideline.
The Dallas Cowboys and New York Jets Sunday drew NBC’s highest Sunday ratings in history. People want to enjoy football while they can. The president’s new jobs bill may tax teams that score over two touchdowns per half to help make the game more equal.
President Obama visited a New York soup kitchen on the anniversary of the World Trade Center attack Sunday. He didn’t want people to think he was just mourning bond traders. He was also there to pick up fundraising tips from the panhandlers in the soup kitchen line.
President Obama appeared in the Rose Garden with police, firefighters, teachers and nurses. He urged Congress to pass his jobs bill. Last Thursday he gave an impassioned speech proposing a jobs bill and afterwards everybody agreed it was a great football game.
Wall Street fell three percent after President Obama’s Thursday speech and fell two hundred points after Monday’s speech. This is a problem. Fox News could be charged with insider trading just for revealing the time and date of President Obama’s next speech.
Libyans couldn’t find Moammar Kadaffi Monday a month after they overthrew him. He’s seventy, he’s had Botox injections and he dyed his hair to look younger. His goal is to look good enough to get a show on the Oprah Winfrey Network where no one will ever find him.
Switzerland was rated the world’s top competitive economy by the World Economic Forum survey Friday. It measures a nation’s technological competence and its labor force effectiveness. The U.S. would have won but India and Mexico demanded screen credit.
CNN’s Wolf Blitzer hosted the GOP debate sponsored by the Tea Party Monday. So it was a debate between conservatives and sponsored by libertarians. Wolf would only host the debate under the Agatha Christie rule, which says that if he dies, everybody did it.
The FBI raided the bankrupt Solyndra solar plant in California Friday after it got half a billion in federal green energy loans. They’re an innovator in green energy. Someone finally invented a way to light homes by burning cash without involving a second mortgage.
Al Gore will launch a TV blitz Thursday called Twenty-Four Hours of Reality and he’s asking everyone on Facebook to link their Facebook walls to his show to help save the planet. This shows Al doesn’t understand the Facebook crowd. They will de-friend the planet before they stop blogging their thoughts all day and poking each other commitment-free.
Charlie Sheen was roasted by friends on Comedy Central Saturday. They roasted his cocaine and alcohol abuse, and the porno actresses and hookers he bedded. He looked so good that people surfing through the channels thought it was an infomercial for a juicer.
Mel Gibson signed to make a movie about Israel’s ancient Jewish military hero Judas Maccabeus. However, the director earned a reputation in Passion of the Christ for abusing Bible legends with long, kinky whippings. Mel’s nickname in Hollywood is Cecil B. De Sade.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 9.14.11

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