Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Texas Governor Rick Perry was attacked by all the GOP candidates at Monday’s GOP debate. He was stubborn, belligerent and he mispronounced some words. The next morning Iran released two U.S. hostages and wondered aloud why we can’t all just get along.
Texas Governor Rick Perry stood by the death penalty at the GOP debate Monday in Tampa. It drew audience cheers. Governor Perry has executed two hundred thirty-four criminals, if you’ve wondered what’s happened to the Oakland Raiders in the last ten years.
Rick Perry was attacked by many of the other GOP presidential candidates Monday for calling Social Security a big Ponzi scheme. Everyone hopes this isn’t true. If Social Security turns out to be a big Ponzi scheme, Ruth Madoff could go to jail for double-dipping.
Saudi Arabia ruled Monday that women may work as sales clerks in Victoria’s Secret in Riyadh but only with a dark screen around the stores. Saudis don’t mind lingerie being sold as long as no one sees women working. They are a proud people with a porn addiction.
New York lawmakers debated a bill Tuesday to limit the number of children one sperm donor can sire. Some donors are more in demand. Due to the economy, women who want their children to have financial security request the sperm of government employees.
California lawmakers sent a bill to the governor’s desk on Tuesday which would give college aid to illegal aliens. It helps immigrant families to move up. Thanks to this bill, today’s fully-employed farmworker can become tomorrow’s unemployed college graduate.
Porsche introduced a new a super-charged gasoline-electric hybrid Monday that will go from zero to sixty miles-an-hour in three seconds. That’s just the gasoline-powered engine. The electricity panel is powerful enough to elect the next three governors of Texas.
The Tea Party Express held a GOP presidential candidate debate in Tampa Monday night. The debate rules are constantly being tweaked in order to stage-manage eight rowdy candidates. This week they had to wear high heels during the swimsuit competition.
President Obama was hailed by liberals Tuesday when a report showed that seventy percent of his federal judge nominees were either racial minorities or women. White males get no respect. On Monday night New England Patriot receiver Wes Welker took a short pass and ran ninety-nine yards for a touchdown and got flagged for delay of game.
Women’s Wear Daily reported that New England Patriot Tom Brady’s supermodel wife Gisele Bundchen made forty million dollars last year, double his salary. It makes NFL stadium security even tighter. President Obama is going up and down the East Coast with a vacuum cleaner sucking cash out of Americans who are making more than their fair share.
Mitt Romney drew cheers at the GOP debate Monday as he vowed to return Winston Churchill’s bust to the Oval Office. Good show! If the world were a network television lineup the sitcom starring the Anglo-Saxons would be called Everybody Loves Imperialism.
Governor Jerry Brown went on a partisan attack to try to raise taxes Monday. He said Republicans treat taxes like they’re some sort of sexually-transmitted disease. This explains why two out of three conservatives shrink-wrap their IRS tax returns in condoms.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 9.15.11

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