HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Scarlett Johansson was victimized Tuesday by hackers who stole nude pictures the movie star took of herself with her cellphone. The photos are all over the Internet. In New York that could cost you a U.S. congressional seat but in Los Angeles it can get you elected to one.
Michael Jackson’s executor said Tuesday the singer has made $300 million since his overdose death. Elvis has made twice that since he died. It proves that while drugs may kill you, they give you the energy to work another 50 years after you die.
The White House set up an Internet site called Attack Watch asking people to report all criticisms of President Obama. They want to know every nasty remark. The next day the servers crashed from all the traffic, and that was just from the Democrats in New York.
Democrats lost Anthony Weiner’s vacated U.S. Congress seat in Brooklyn Tuesday in a heavily Democratic district. They brought in Bill Clinton to do robocalls but it didn’t help. It just reminded voters that Anthony Weiner had exposed himself to women he’d just met.
Bill Clinton will be honored at a Hollywood Bowl concert in October that will feature Bono and Lady Gaga. The show will salute the president for his charity work. He fed the comedians so well that we have enough body fat reserved to survive the Obama years.
President Obama’s presidential re-election campaign sent out an e-mail Wednesday in the teeth of his low approval numbers. It asks supporters to donate $5 to enter a raffle that offers dinner with him as first prize. Second prize is dinner and a speech.
President Obama’s job stimulus bill was jettisoned by House Democrats Wednesday because it taxes charitable donations. Everybody can read the tea leaves. Caroline Kennedy just released a recording of her mother saying Barack Obama can’t be re-elected.
Congress probed a stimulus loan to Solyndra solar power Wednesday. They took $500 million in taxpayer loans and the money just vanished. Solar power generates electricity by mixing the energy of the sun along with the persuasiveness of Bernie Madoff.
Australian wildlife officials reported the death of a wandering penguin they rescued and named Happy Feet. They put a tracking device on him to help follow his progress. They knew he was dead when they realized for five days they’d been tracking a polar bear.
The TSA announced new rules for passing children through airport security checkpoints Tuesday. The changes were necessary. It was taking so long to get children through security that parents were buying plane tickets just for a few hours of baby-sitting service.
The Cherokees defied a U.S. government order Tuesday and dropped 3,000 black people from the tribal rolls who aren’t Indians but descendants of Cherokee slaves. There’s an obvious compromise here. The slave descendants could take all the revenue from the bets on black and the Cherokees could take all the revenues from the bets on red.
The University of Okla-homa pondered switching to the Pac Twelve Tuesday, allowing the Sooners to spend half their season in L.A. and San Francisco. It’s very risky. The Amish have had great success in testing their young men’s moral fiber by sending them out into the sinful world for six months, and now the Southern Baptists want to try it for six games.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 9.16.11