Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Sarah Palin was hit with a book saying she snorted cocaine when she was a college girl. It also says she slept with an NBA star back then. It speaks well of her that she decided to remain in Alaska and raise a family even after she passed her Los Angeles entrance exams.
Scarlett Johansson was victimized by hackers who stole nude photos she took of herself and stored in her cellphone. They also hacked fifty other actresses who had done the same thing. A lot of people don’t understand that Apple’s new Casting Director app is just a game.
Southern California residents became alarmed Wednesday when they saw red, blue, orange and yellow lights in the night sky. This is getting old. Ever since the space station was taken over by the Russians last month, it’s been pulled over three times for drunk driving.
President Obama’s campaign set up a website Tuesday called Attack Watch. It asked people to report all criticisms of the president. They want to make a database of all his enemies and sell it to the Republicans to raise the billion dollars he needs for his campaign.
The Cherokee Tribe was denied thirty-three million in federal funds Thursday after they kicked three thousand blacks off the tribal rolls and denied them benefits. The blacks are descendants of slaves in Oklahoma. They’d play football for four years and never get paid.
The White House announced Friday that President Obama will make an official state trip to Australia in November. He would like to re-establish strong ties to the traditional American ally. Obama greatly angered Australians on the first day of his presidency when he had Crocodile Dundee’s bust removed from the Oval Office along with Winston Churchill’s.
Apple was sued by a French anti-racism group Tuesday for selling an app which lists whether or not a public figure is Jewish. The app could be used by anti-Semites to target Jews for assassination. It’s used by the U.N. to make up the seating charts for all their events.
Oxford biologists found that laughter increases human health via endorphin release. They said a good belly laugh increases the tolerance for pain by ten percent. The Comedy Store was just ordered by the White House to serve Medicare patients at half price.
Dick Cheney went on The View Wednesday to plug his book, In My Time. In the book he defends his national security policies that drove liberals crazy. The View has tried to get Dick Cheney on the show for years but he was always able to get a college deferment.
GOP candidate Jon Huntsman caused a stir at the Tampa GOP debate Monday. He said our dependence on oil is like being addicted to heroin. It was the first time many people had gotten a look at Huntsman and the remark only raised questions as to why he’s so thin.
President Obama warned North Carolina voters Wednesday that their bridges could fall if his jobs bill isn’t passed by Congress. The audience listened a little too intently. Now half the crowd won’t drive over a river and the other half won’t touch corn on the cob.
Republican Bob Turner stunned Democrats Tuesday by winning Anthony Weiner’s vacated Congress seat in Brooklyn, and a Republican candidate also won a seat in Nevada in a blowout. Two new GOP lawmakers will be taking their seats in Congress today. President Obama has created two jobs and for the first time he deserves all the credit for it.
Los Angeles porn movie studio Pink Visual started building an underground shelter Friday. It will allow them to survive an expected Apocalypse next year. They’re the first ones to realize that Rick Perry’s evangelical views could drive the porn industry underground.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 9.19.11

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