Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
L.A. restaurants installed table-fixed iPads Friday, letting people place their orders by themselves. Waiters will be laid off. When Charlie Sheen saw the story he apologized to the executive producer of Two and a Half Men and asked for forgiveness and reincarnation.
Tom Brady called upon New England Patriot fans to get drunk before Sunday’s home game with San Diego. There was no public outcry. A quarterback who threw for five hundred yards the previous week can say anything he’d like as long as he doesn’t kill dogs.
The NFL on Friday ordered teams to frisk every fan who comes into NFL stadiums. They’re going way overboard. It’s one thing to check everyone for weapons, it’s another thing to tell people to stay in their seats and not go to the lavatory for the last two minutes of the game.
The Rogue said Sarah Palin snorted cocaine and had a fling with an NBA star and an adulterous affair with her husband’s partner. It won’t affect her. George W. Bush paved the way for presidential candidates who began their political career by being a lot of fun at a party.
California’s unemployment rate jumped to twelve percent in August in statistics out Friday. However, jobs were added in motion picture and sound recording. The voters are so desperate for someone to listen to them that they’re actually paying for studio time.
Los Angeles Lakers star Ron Artest was allowed by a Los Angeles judge on Friday to legally change his name to World Peace. This will make the announcer’s job pretty tricky at games. People are trained to assume that whenever it’s announced that there’s been a foul on World Peace it means Dick Cheney just found oil in another failed state.
NASCAR officials announced Thursday the sport will attempt to go green by planting trees around the track and on the infield. This is insane. If the drivers crash into just one of those trees it could end their PGA careers and cost them two hundred million in alimony.
Rick Perry visited the Fashion Week runway show at Trump Tower Wednesday. The Donald took Perry into the dressing room to meet the supermodels. Trump once did this for Bill Clinton but they had to place horse blinders on him and lead him in backwards.
President Obama told a North Carolina crowd Wednesday if they love him they must help him pass his jobs bill. The president’s emotion was real. Obama is determined to help the unemployed because it looks increasingly likely that in a year he’ll be one of them.
Virgin Atlantic announced it will allow customers to download video and audio files via Wi-Fi during flights. The airline is doing well in its tenth year. Virgin Airlines filed for bankruptcy its first year because nobody wanted to fly on a plane that didn’t go all the way.
James Carville tried to rally Democrats Friday by comparing their current situation to the defenders at Stalingrad. It’s the city where the communists dug in and stopped the Nazi horde. Thank goodness everyone agreed to tone down the rhetoric before it got ugly.
Democrats in Washington whispered Friday that the party would be better off if Obama didn’t run for re-election. They said he might be persuaded to become head of the World Bank or the International Monetary Fund. Republicans believe he should be made Secretary General of the U.N. and let the world’s governing body figure out where he’s from.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.20.11

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