Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Oklahoma State’s football game with Tulsa was delayed until after midnight because of lightning Saturday. Following the lightning there was a college football game followed by a stunning sunrise. Eighty thousand fans thought the rapture had started without them.
Peyton Manning got stem-cell therapy in Switzerland on his injured neck Friday. Fat cells from the stomach are used to regenerate old cells and make them new. Nobody realized until now that Americans had the fountain of youth hanging over their belt buckle.
Charlie Sheen served as presenter at the Emmy Awards on Sunday in Hollywood. He looked sober and suntanned instead of pale and greenish. The tour buses are filled with people who flock to Hollywood this time of year to watch Charlie Sheen change colors.
NASA said a burned-out satellite will fall out of orbit and crash to the earth on Friday and land somewhere in the middle latitudes. Last month the satellite got five hundred million dollars in loans from the stimulus bill, and that apparently brings down everything.
Black Entertainment’s Tavis Smiley ripped President Obama Friday, saying he ignores black people. Black congressmen said the same thing Monday. The Commissioner of Baseball just announced he’s giving Bill Clinton back his record as the first black president.
The Department of Health released statistics Friday showing a huge shift in U.S. drug habits. For the first time more people died from prescription drugs than illegal drugs. The Jackson family never should have published that book of Michael’s favorite recipes.
New York lawmakers made plans Monday to push Las Vegas-style casinos in New York City. The demand is huge. People want a place where they can go and have a couple of drinks and make some fast money, and the New York Stock Exchange lost its liquor license.
German pubs opened their annual Oktoberfest celebration throughout Germany last week. The Germans drink for three consecutive weeks every October. It took France and Russia a thousand years to deduce that the time to take back their country is in November.
President Obama named his new tax hike on upper-income Americans after Warren Buffett Monday. Most of the billionaire’s business comes from selling insurance products which help rich people avoid high taxes. He paid President Obama ten million dollars for the naming rights and he already made his money back.
Hillary Clinton offered Palestinians new negotiations with Israelis Monday in an attempt to stall a U.N. vote on statehood. The Palestinians want all Israeli settlement activity to stop on land that they hope to have one day for their own country. The Israeli settlers on the West Bank would be getting a lot better coverage if they called themselves the Sooners.
The London Telegraph reported the world’s premier sperm bank Cryos has stopped taking sperm from redheads due to lack of demand. That will change. In today’s world if you don’t want to have a child with a hundred and fifty siblings at school, ask for a redhead.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 9.21.11

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