Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Washington Post reported Monday that President Obama has begun brewing his own honey-ale beer at the White House. He’s trying to save the taxpayers some money. The cost of catering a beer summit every time he ticked someone off was breaking the budget.
The Chicago Tribune ran an editorial calling for President Obama to step aside and not run for re-election, and let Hillary Clinton run. Both parties want her. Republicans miss the days when you could call the president a communist and not really mean it.
The U.N. General Assembly convened Wednesday with world leaders arriving in New York to attend the opening sessions. It’s a mad scramble. The latest peace proposal has statehood going to the Palestinians with Texas and Oklahoma going to the Pac Twelve.
The U.S. military started taking applications from openly gay recruits Tuesday, officially ending Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Tensions are unavoidable. No violence in the barracks is expected until next week when Dancing with the Stars is up against Monday Night Football.
Charlie Sheen’s character died owing his dealer two hundred grand Monday on Two and a Half Men. That’s the difference between an L.A. bank and an L.A. drug dealer. The dealers aren’t sitting on mountains of coke, they are out there in the community loaning it.
Sea World in Orlando faced work safety charges Monday over the accidental death of a female trainer by a killer whale last year. The whale is long gone. He’s in a tank next to a cashier’s cage in a Las Vegas hotel and they feed him magicians who don’t sell out.
NASA reported that a six-ton U.S. satellite will fall and crash to the earth on Friday. It could just fall from the sky and kill anyone in the country without warning. Wherever it lands, the White House will send out a statement saying we killed another terrorist leader.
New York cheered the replica seventeenth-century ship Half Moon as it sailed up the Hudson on the four hundredth anniversary of Henry Hudson’s voyage. He was looking for a waterway to India. England was trying to reach tech support after the abacus froze up.
Oklahoma Sooners football coach Bob Stoops was handed a thirty-five million dollar contract extension Monday by the Oklahoma regents for higher education. The games are always a sell-out. Civil War re-enactments sell a lot of tickets as long as the South wins.
President Obama’s speech calling for tax hikes Monday sank the stock market two hundred points. His speech to Congress sank the Dow two hundred points. He could save the Pentagon lots of money if he’d start giving speeches about reforming the Chinese Navy.
President Obama arrived in New York for the U.N. opening Tuesday with Palestinians demanding cash. They have a nine hundred million dollar deficit, an endless war and a failed economy. Maybe it was a mistake to set them up with an American-style democracy.
The UAW reached a deal with GM Monday giving autoworkers a five thousand dollar signing bonus. Robots are being made in Utah that could someday perform the work of the auto workers. All the Democrats face being replaced by Mormons for efficiency’s sake.
GOP candidates hold a presidential debate tonight on Fox News live in Orlando near Disney World. They had a good time walking around the theme park last night. Michele Bachmann called reporters over to show them that Goofy was wearing a Michele Bachmann watch.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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