HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Two and a Half Men drew a record-high number of viewers for CBS Monday to watch Charlie Sheen’s funeral. They implied his death was girlfriend-related. It’s an old adage in Los Angeles that you shouldn’t date four porn stars at a time without a doctor’s consent.
Wrigley Field in Chicago announced it’ll hold a Movie Night in mid-October and show Ferris Bueller’s Day off on the stadium’s three big jumbo screens. The Cubs are out of the playoffs and the stadium is available. Movie Night has been on the schedule since April.
The Justice Department was cited by a U.S. auditor for spending $4 million on snacks and pastries at 10 DOJ conferences in one year. It’s expected. They’ve been going around the country confiscating medical marijuana and the pastry bill just followed them.
Michael Jackson’s doctor’s trial in L.A. will be televised today. The public demanded it. If you miss details of how much V*lium, how much D*merol, and how much Pr*pofol he mixed for a good night’s sleep, the recipe will be posted on the Food Network’s website.
Utah’s new law forces bars to build a partition between bartender and patron. It’s to prevent you from seeing your drink getting poured. Utah makes it so difficult to drink that more celebrities get sober at the Sundance Film Festival than at the Betty Ford Center.
San Francisco ordered skyscrapers to paint dots on their windows to warn birds not to fly into them. So they like birds, do they? If they could see the chopped up bird parts under the Palm Springs windmills, they’d be calling for Exxon to drill in San Francisco Bay.
NASA predicted the six-ton Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite will crash to earth somewhere between Canada and Colombia. The EPA is monitoring it closely. Whoever it lands on is going to face a huge federal fine for improperly disposing of electronic waste.
President Obama took credit for the Arab Spring in a U.N. speech Wednesday. He said what’s happened in Egypt, Libya and to bin Laden proves that peace can come without violence. Apparently Osama bin Laden was killed by a yoga instructor from the Navy SEALs.
The Secret Service caught a guy who successfully leaped over the White House fence near the western gate on Tuesday. It didn’t end well. The fence jumper was caught and wrestled to the ground by federal agents and then ushered back to work in the Oval Office.
BP was targeted by a study Tuesday saying the tar balls washed ashore by Tropical Storm Lee show that last year’s oil spill still sits on the ocean floor. It’s true. It’s only been a year and already the Sunni crabs have slaughtered the Shiite crabs for control of the oil.
Iran released the two Americans caught hiking in Iran two years ago then charged as spies. Last year North Korea released two U.S. women hikers charged as spies. We fooled them for awhile because they thought all our spies wore tuxedos and have British accents.
Full Tilt Poker online poker house was busted by the feds Tuesday for running a Ponzi scheme with gambler deposits. The owners spent all the money in the gambler’s accounts before they could wager it, so if they won, it wouldn’t have been there. Just when you think America is going down the drain, somebody figures out a way to save Social Security.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 9.23.11