HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
NASA’s satellite was predicted to crash somewhere on North America Friday. Perhaps now we’ll address our obesity epidemic. The odds of the satellite hitting a Canadian or a Mexican were one in thirty trillion but the odds of it hitting an American were fifty-fifty.
Full Tilt Poker’s founder was charged with running a Ponzi scheme Friday. He’d hold money for online gamblers and skim from the small players and pay off the big players. No one noticed the scam until Texas and Oklahoma applied to join the Full Tilt Conference.
Facebook’s founder Mark Zuckerman rolled out new features Friday which left users confused and angry. Going on Facebook is like being in prison anyway. You spend hours all by yourself, you write on walls and you get poked by people you don’t know every night.
The Office of Personnel Management said Thursday the U.S. government paid out six hundred million dollars to dead federal retirees in the last five years. The recipients are very worried. Zombies are turning up everywhere seeking an offer of compromise with the IRS.
Cincinnati Bengal Jerome Simpson is in trouble after a two pound bag of marijuana was overnighted from California to his home in Kentucky. He’s got a real problem. The locals are upset by the public perception that California pot is higher quality than Kentucky pot.
Texas ended the practice of granting last meal requests to condemned prisoners Friday. One death row inmate ordered a triple bacon cheeseburger, fried okra, a pound of barbecue, two chicken fried steaks and ice cream. Today it’s on the Denny’s menu as the Grand Slammer.
Hustler’s Larry Flynt offered a million dollar reward to anybody who can prove they had an illicit sexual relationship with Rick Perry. It’s a service to the country. By now it’s a proven fact that the U.S. economy does better when we have a president with sex scandals.
Rick Perry angered a GOP debate audience by supporting in-state tuition for illegal aliens. It’s an entitlement. Illegal aliens consider it a privilege that the Spanish earned by conquering their Indians two hundred years before the English conquered our Indians.
President Obama called himself a warrior for the middle class Thursday at a speech he gave standing next to a decaying bridge in Ohio. The crowd played along. He said it’s America that sets the tone for the world’s economy, when everybody knows it’s Greece.
President Obama made a gaffe in a speech praising government spending Thursday in Ohio. He said the U.S. had built the Intercontinental Railroad. The schools in Indonesia teach that the Titanic sank after it tried to beat the train through an intersection and lost.
Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas asked the U.N. for Palestinian statehood. The GOP is in an uproar. Michele Bachmann said she’s against statehood for the Palestinians because it would allow slave states to outnumber the free states twenty-six to twenty-five.
The Pentagon warned Congress Tuesday that budget cuts could necessitate the return of the military draft. Picture the street protests now that everyone’s eligible to serve. The threat of a military draft is no match for the parade-organizing skills of the gay community.
Missourian Tom Carnahan will host a fundraising dinner for President Obama after his energy company got a hundred million dollars in tax credits to develop wind power. It’s Plan B. The government is throwing money into the wind after the sun turned out to be corrupt.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.27.11