Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Arnold Schwarzenegger announced Friday that he’s signed a book deal to write the story of his life. He can look back and be proud. He came to Hollywood forty years ago without a dime, and by the time he left the California governor’s office nobody had a dime.
Southern Baptist leaders began considering taking Southern out of the church name Monday. They’ll lose members. Asking a Baptist to choose between the South and Jesus will cause the longest stage pause since a robber asked Jack Benny for his money or his life.
President Obama committed a gaffe, telling a black crowd that a billionaire shouldn’t pay a lower tax rate than a Jew, before correcting himself and saying janitor. It’s a pattern. Last week at a banquet he called for a Palestinian state run by Hamas, and what he meant to say was, pass the salt.
Hallmark rolled out a line of layoff cards Monday which allows you to console family members and friends who have lost their jobs. The cards are written to be humorous but sales so far are low. Nobody wants the cards unless they’re in the shape of a money-holder.
Salt Lake City had three thousand protesters run in their underwear to protest what they call Utah’s uptight laws, The new bar law requiring a divider between bartender and customer was the last straw. You shouldn’t have to write your drink order on a piece of paper and push it into the cracks of a wall and pray that your drink request is answered.
Rio de Janeiro lifeguards reported Sunday that hundreds of beachgoers in Brazil were bitten on the ankles by piranhas. The fish have no predators and can eat an entire cow in five minutes. They win all the contests at Interstate highway restaurants throughout Texas.
New York hospitals reported a huge drop in cocaine-related emergency room cases Monday because the recession has made cocaine way too expensive. You can’t make it up. President Obama finally passed health care reform and no one can afford the overdose.
President Obama held a fundraiser at the House of Blues in West Hollywood Monday, snarling L.A. traffic for the third time in a year. Sunset Boulevard was shut down for eight hours. It gave everybody enough time to listen to the audio version of Mitt Romney’s book.
Hustler’s Larry Flynt offered a million dollars to anyone who can prove they had any kind of illicit sex with Rick Perry. The Internet is full of rumors about him. In ten years he’s executed over two hundred people and it’s rumored that half of them forgot the safe word.
Saudi Arabia proclaimed a new law for the kingdom Monday which allows women to vote in Saudi Arabia, but women still aren’t allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia. This is not exactly a breakthrough in women’s rights. They have cars but they don’t have elections.
N.Y. Police Commis-sioner Ray Kelly said Sunday his police force has the capability of shooting down a plane. They have rockets fired from helicopters. The Boston police just purchased ICBM’s from Russia to keep the Yankees from having an edge in the playoffs.
Herman Cain won a GOP straw poll in Florida Saturday as Mitt Romney won the GOP straw poll in Michigan. Ron Paul won the GOP straw poll in California. Nothing’s going to be decided till they all ride a horse and we see which one looks most like Ronald Reagan.
President Obama told black Americans Saturday to take off their bedroom slippers and put on their marching shoes. What an insult. He’s lucky the Secret Service pulled him away from the microphone before he banned them from the University of Mississippi.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 9.28.11

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