Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Arnold Schwarzenegger commissioned a sculptor to make seven huge statues of him Monday. How stirring. Six will be in his house and one will stand on the Mexican border where immigrant women will always remember their first glimpse of the Statue of Adultery.
Hallmark Cards offered a new line of recession-themed cards Monday which console people who’ve lost his jobs. The response was huge. So many of these cards were mailed to the Congress and the White House that it could save the Postal Service from bankruptcy.
Andy Rooney makes his last broadcast on CBS’ 60 Minutes Sunday before retiring at the age of ninety-two. He was a star reporter in World War II who joined CBS 65 years ago. In his place they’ll have a reporter ask Larry King once a week what annoys him.
The Southern Baptists said Monday they may remove the word Southern from their church’s name. The brand is a bit damaged. For many years the only difference between a Southern Baptist church service and a Klan rally was 12 hours and a costume change.
Philip Anschutz got the environmental green light Tuesday to begin building an NFL stadium in L.A. Celebrities are clamoring for season tickets. Environmentalists fear that the hairspray could interact with the cell phone signals and launch the stadium into space.
Tiger Woods recruited PGA tour caddie Joe La Cava to carry his golf bag during next month’s President’s Cup. It took some convincing to get him. The caddies are paid ten percent of a player’s winnings on the tour and Tiger’s last two caddies are on food stamps.
Mexican drug lord Joaquin Guzman’s wife slipped over the border into California and gave birth to twin boys last Friday. That’s great news. Joaquin Guzman has billions of dollars in cocaine money and when the kids inherit it, California’s estate tax will take it all.
Saudi Arabia sentenced a Saudi female driver to 10 lashes with a whip in Riyadh on Tuesday. Their tradition teaches that granting freedom of movement to women leaves them vulnerable to sin. Americans once believed the same thing and it sold a ton of girdles.
New Jersey GOP Gov. Chris Christie was begged to run for president by an enthusiastic crowd at the Reagan Library in Simi Valley Tuesday. The more he says no, the more they want him. The abstinence campaign just asked Chris Christie to replace Bristol Palin as their spokesman.
The Supreme Court agreed Monday to rule whether ObamaCare is constitutional. If you want free health care in America just go to the airport. It’s there you can get free X-rays and a free breast exam, and if you mention al-Qaeda, you also get a free colonoscopy.
President Obama was heckled in West Hollywood Monday by pro-medical marijuana protesters when Obama spoke at the House of Blues. The controversy is due to a clash of culture. Under federal law, smoking pot is illegal, but under California law it’s mandatory.
President Obama gave his annual back-to-school speech to America’s schoolchildren Wednesday. He warned children they may have to get after-school jobs to support their families. The President’s Program on Physical Fitness now includes a sewing competition at the Nike factory in downtown L.A.
Michael Jackson’s doctor Conrad Murray’s manslaughter trial started Tuesday in Los Angeles. The star died of an overdose of anesthesia. The trial will prove that nothing is so overrated as a sold-out concert tour and nothing’s so underrated as a good night’s sleep.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.30.11

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