Posted: Monday, October 3, 2011 7:01 pm
BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Charlie Sheen settled his termination lawsuit with Warner Brothers for eight figures Tuesday. He’s on a roll. Yesterday he tilted his sunglasses up on his head and declared himself to be a solar panel company and Washington sent him five hundred million dollars.
The Boston Red Sox were eliminated from the playoffs by Tampa Bay on Wednesday, completing the biggest collapse in Major League history. They blew a nine-game lead in September. It’s such a disaster that even Haiti is offering to send emergency relief pitchers.
Fred Couples chose Tiger Woods for the U.S. team for the President’s Cup in Australia next month. He also selected Michael Jordan as the honorary captain. Charles Barkley was chosen to remain in America in case of catastrophe to ensure a continuity of blackjack.
King Abdullah overturned the ten-lash sentence a Saudi woman received for driving an automobile in Riyadh Thursday. Things are gradually getting better for women there. They now allow women to vote but not until the registrar sees their driver’s license.
Donald Trump’s Taj Mahal casino in Atlantic City is staging a contest with a prize of twenty-five thousand dollars worth of plastic surgery for the winner. There’s a huge demand for fake breasts, fake noses, fake chins and fake lips. That’s what it takes to become one of the Real Housewives.
Kappa Alpha fraternity at Texas was accused of hiring porn stars for live sex shows at parties. It’s awful. In another thirty years only illegal aliens will be acceptable as presidential candidates because of all the pictures taken by cellphone cameras at our best universities.
The Southern Baptists tasked a panel Monday to consider removing Southern from the church name. It’d spoil the folklore. Methodists say you should always bring two Baptists with you when you go fishing, because if you bring one he will drink all your beer.
U.S. Judge Sharon Blackburn upheld Alabama’s tough new immigration law intended to force illegal aliens to leave the state. Once again a Southern state is in rebellion against federal authority. She issued her ruling just as the cotton harvest is about to begin.
Prohibition is Ken Burns’ new documentary that premieres Sunday on PBS. This one will be good for the fundraising drives. One day you’ll tune in to watch Prohibition and PBS will be giving away a toy machine gun and a fifth of gin at the five hundred dollar level.
Texas Governor Rick Perry began slipping in the polls Thursday after his bad debate performance in Florida. His experience as governor has forged his message. If we don’t fix Social Security, the nation will never have the money to execute our children’s children.
The White House leaned on Ford Motors last week to pull its TV commercial critical of auto companies that took bailout money. No one’s out of the woods yet. Two years ago al-Qaeda looked at aerial photos of Detroit and just assumed they’d already been there.
The Labor Department said Southern California cities have the highest unemployment while North and South Dakota towns have the lowest unemployment. That makes sense. It’s a return to our Puritan roots that in order to work you must trudge through ice storms.
GOP candidate Herman Cain doubled his poll numbers Tuesday thanks to the strong debate performances by the black conservative. Reaction was swift. Democrats say that if Republicans like Herman Cain over Barack Obama it just shows that they hate foreigners.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 10.3.11