Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Nobel Peace Prize will be awarded Saturday with no chance of President Obama winning. Ever since they gave him the peace prize, he’s been firing missiles at terrorists’ heads. This year they want to give it to somebody with a history of mental illness who can’t get a license to carry a gun.
Dick Cheney praised President Obama for the missile strike killing al-Qaeda’s leader Anwar al-Awlaki Friday. Reaction in the Arab world showed how the world is changing there. An hour after the assassination, Anwar’s wife updated her Facebook status to Single.
President Obama’s campaign will hold a nationwide raffle for dinner with President Obama for three dollars a ticket. The drawing is held next month and the winner will be announced in Chicago. It’s part of the president’s plan to get the country gambling again.
NBA stars met with owners in New York Monday to try to keep their season from being canceled. The referees have the most to lose. Not only are they not drawing their salaries but they’re on the verge of getting their leg broken for not providing their quota of betting tips.
South Carolina moved up its GOP primary to stay in front of Florida, prompting New Hampshire and Iowa to move theirs up to early January or even December. They’ve got to get a grip on this. If they move it any earlier they’re going to be stuck with McCain again.
Hooters filed a copyright lawsuit against a former Hooters executive who’s founding a chain of restaurants across the South called Twin Peaks. Hooters will probably win. Kentucky Fried Chicken keeps thighs on their menu just to avoid this kind of legal action.
A Beijing restaurant put a cartoon caricature of President Obama on its logo Monday and called itself Obama Fried Chicken. China has no respect for trademarks. Giant cartoon signs with Barack Obama’s face on it are the intellectual property of the Tea Party.
Bank of America announ-ced a five-dollar monthly debit card fee Friday. It prompted a consumer stampede back to the use of paper checks. President Obama just realized that billions of paper checks in circulation means a lot fewer trees between him and the green.
Mexico passed a law Tuesday allowing couples to get married for two years. It really changes nothing. No matter how long they’ve been married, a judge will still have to decide who gets the landscaping business in Bel-Air and who gets the drug route in Mexico.
Boston Red Sox pitchers were reported Saturday to have been drinking in the locker room during baseball games this past season. It wasn’t their fault. Throughout their collapse in September the fans were throwing beer on the Red Sox and they didn’t want to be rude and turn it down.
Alabama police arrested an eighty year-old woman for selling crack cocaine Friday after a previous arrest for possession and distribution. It’s a sign of the times. It just shows the things you’ve got to do nowadays to bring the whole family in for Thanksgiving.
New York police arrested four hundred Occupy Wall Street protesters Saturday who clogged up the Brooklyn Bridge, halting all traffic. They demanded free housing, free food, free health care and more totalitarian government. They asked for jail and they got it.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 10.05.11

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