Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Hank Williams Jr. apologized for comparing President Obama to Adolf Hitler Sunday in a Fox News interview. It’s all smoothed all over now. Within two days, the surviving members of the Hitler family appeared on German television and accepted Hank’s apology.
Gov. Chris Christie called a press conference Tuesday to announce he won’t run for president. He said his mind is made up. Republicans were unable to pry him away from his current political office in New Jersey where he’s Speaker of the House of Pancakes.
The FBI told Clint Eastwood that J. Edgar Hoover was not gay Tuesday as he prepared to direct his new movie called J. Edgar. There is evidence that Hoover was gay. He made Pretty Boy Floyd the most wanted man in America before the guy even committed a crime.
Amanda Knox flew home after her murder conviction was overturned in Italy. She’d survived four years on Italian prison food. The first night in Seattle she suffered post-traumatic stress disorder when her parents took her to the Olive Garden to celebrate her homecoming.
Apple introduced its new iPhone Tuesday with a voice-activated personal assistant named Siri inside the phone. She takes personal commands from the user and answers questions out loud in English. It’s a big hit already just for the around-the-clock phone sex.
International Vegetarian Day was celebrated worldwide last week with conventions and TV cooking shows that encouraged people to go meatless. The diet is never going to catch on. Bill Clinton turned vegan three years ago and he hasn’t had a sex scandal since.
Mercedes-Benz bought the naming rights to the Louisiana Superdome Tuesday. They purchased the rights to have it called the Mercedes Benz Superdome just for athletic events and for corporate shows. During all hurricanes it will still be known as Bush’s Fault.
Herman Cain led the GOP polls Tuesday thanks to support from the Tea Party. Every week they want somebody besides Mitt Romney. When Rick Perry didn’t pan out, the Republicans agreed to wait 28 days until David Hasselhoff’s released from rehab.
New York’s Occupy Wall Street protesters argued among themselves Tuesday about whether they should sew their own sleeping bags with winter coming or engage in capitalism and buy them. Also, they argued over whether to beg for food or buy donuts. It took two hours in the real world to convert the entire movement to supply-side economics.
President Obama faced editorial criticism Tuesday for ordering the drone missile killing of two al-Qaeda terrorists who’d been born in the U.S. People are alarmed that a president can fire a missile and kill an American citizen without even a trial. All week long comedians and Republicans would look up in the sky before they would say anything.
Michelle Obama’s trip to Africa was found to have cost half a million dollars in fuel alone. Her two daughters were listed as senior staffers. If you think that’s bad, Bo the Portugese Water Dog got a $600 million loan to provide hydroelectric power.
House Republicans demanded a special prosecutor for Attorney General Eric Holder Tuesday. He testified he hadn’t heard of the ATF’s botched Mexican gunrunning sting when actually he’d been briefed a year earlier on it. Hank Williams Jr. just compared him to Nixon.
The University of Missouri voted to leave the Big Twelve for the SEC on Tuesday. The day before, the Big Twelve commissioner ridiculed the idea of a switch, declaring Missouri was Midwestern, not Southern. The slaves and the Confederate cavalry units and the raids on Kansas were all part of Missouri’s cover story to protect its identity as a Yankee spy.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 10.7.11

Print