Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Nobel Prize for Physics was awarded to three American scientists Thursday for proving the universe is expanding and heading for explosion. It will be the end of all existence. The scientists learned they won during a joint appearance at the Optimists Club.
George Clooney insisted he will never run for president Friday during interviews for his movie Ides of March. It’d be fun for comedians if he were president. There’s a light on the dashboard of George Clooney’s Audi telling him when it’s time to change girlfriends.
Hank Williams Jr. was fired by ESPN for comparing Barack Obama to Hitler. Don’t act surprised. Ron Paul tried to warn us last week that if you let a president make a phone call to order a U.S. citizen knocked off in Yemen, that one day country singers would be next.
Scarlett Johansson’s lawyer threatened to sue any website that publishes the hacked naked pictures she took of herself and stored on her iPad. It’s not right. Steve Jobs gave his life so that every American could have naked pictures of actresses on their cell phones.
Tiger Woods signed a deal with Rolex watches Friday, giving golf’s superstar his first commercial endorsement in two years. Advertisers fled him following his downfall. He lost Gatorade, Gillette, AT&T, Accenture, and don’t even ask about his deal with Fidelity.
Houston sheriffs were sued by a local black woman for arresting her and forcing her to listen to Rush Limbaugh on the radio. It has adversely affected her life. Last week she told a Sunday school class full of black children that Mitt Romney is not a true conservative.
The White House blamed ex-chief of staff Rahm Emanuel Friday for complaints by women staffers of an abusive work environment there. He got away with it. Women love to be close to real power and Rahm Emanuel’s brother is the biggest agent in Hollywood.
Amanda Knox’s Italian judge said Friday her jury convicted her because she is an American. He said Americans are hated in Italy. We should send ten thousand trees to Rome that they can plant on the Appian Way so the Germans won’t have to march in the sun next time.
Occupy Wall Street protesters entered their third week of New York park sit-ins this week following a march down Broadway on Thursday. Interviews with the protesters make two things very crystal-clear. They don’t know what they want and they want it now.
The White House backed the Occupy Wall Street protesters Thursday in statements by Obama and Biden. Democrats are now banking on the threat of street riots to cower Republicans. It worked out so well for them in the late Sixties that Nixon was elected twice.
Herman Cain told the Occupy Wall Street protesters in Battery Park Friday that they should blame themselves if they aren’t rich. Not all of the demonstrators are opposed to capitalism. The pot dealers in the park slip away to the ATMs to make six deposits a day.
Joe Biden told a fifth grade class in Florida Thursday that the Bush Administration is responsible for today’s economic mess. The kids looked confused. To explain it to the children he used a doll and he pointed to the spot where President Bush had ruined the economy.
Senate Democrats proposed a millionaire’s surtax to pay for the jobs bill. It would go to teachers unions, construction unions and public workers unions. Before the GOP House agrees to pass that bill they will vote to honor Hank Williams Jr. as America’s poet laureate.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 10.10.11

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