Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Albert Einstein’s letter to a New York businessman sold at auction for $40,000 at a Los Angeles auction house Tuesday. It’s worth every penny. The letter was written in 1939 and is believed to contain the secret formula for how to get out of a depression.
California’s governor Jerry Brown signed a law Monday which bans Californians from openly carrying a handgun. Due to all the nanny legislation we can’t shoot, we can’t text and we can’t talk on the phone while driving. Next they’re going to ban kegs in the cars.
San Francisco held a medical marijuana jobs fair at the Cow Palace Monday to fill all the job openings in pot stores in California. The hiring standards are pretty high. They refuse to hire anybody who’s sick because the medical benefits eat up all the inventory.
Tiger Woods met reporters to promote his next tournament Tuesday two days after a fan threw food at him while he was on the green. It was entirely his fault. The crowd enjoyed his mother-in-law jokes but it’s still too soon for jokes about the air show disaster.
The White House went to the U.N. Wednesday to accuse Iran of plotting a murder on U.S. soil. The U.S. is building a case for a war. Once we have four wars at the same time in the Middle East the president will be able to join the Juggler’s Union and get a nice pension.
Hillary Clinton warned Iran of serious consequences Tuesday over the plot to blow up embassies in Washington. Do they know who they’re dealing with? We could destroy every home and commercial building in Iran simply by offering them subprime mortgages.
Herman Cain spent Tuesday’s debate defending his flat tax from attack by his fellow Republicans. He’s an economic conservative. Liberal Democrats found themselves in the odd position of cheering for the six white people beating a black man in broad daylight.
The NBA canceled the season’s first two weeks Tuesday, leaving players with little to do. The good news is that Las Vegas is full of high rollers now. The bad news is, they all want to play on credit and they are scaring away the other customers with all their tattoos.
The Denver Broncos named Tim Tebow the starting quarterback, giving the Florida superstar his first big NFL chance. He’s an advocate of pre-marital abstinence. There is already a statue of Tim Tebow in Gainesville saying no to a statue of Susan B. Anthony.
The FBI arrested a Florida man for hacking into Scarlett Johansson’s cell phone and posting nude pictures she took of herself. That was fast. The FBI made so many copies of the evidence that the Canon photo printer is attending Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings.
The GOP House subpoenaed Attorney General Eric Holder to testify on what he knew about Operation Fast and Furious. They think he’s been lying. They’ll be sorry when they end up impeaching the president just when they are on the verge of getting rid of him.
Wall Street protesters remained camped out near the stock exchange Tuesday. They organize marches using Apple iPhones, Facebook and Google. They want the world to know how hard life is if they have to use every labor-saving device in the world to prove it.
Mississippi voters will decide next month whether to amend the state constitution to declare that life begins at conception. That’s a change. Mississippi’s current constitution says that life begins when the Yankees go home and the kids move out of the basement.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 10.14.11

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