Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS —God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Bank of America Marathon in Chicago made news last week when a local runner gave birth to a healthy girl after she crossed the finish line. Onlookers had to take up a collection. Bank of America charged her a $5 withdrawal fee to take the baby out.
Hank Williams Jr. hinted on Fox News Tuesday he and his football song will return to NFL telecasts on Fox. The network quickly denied it. Fox can’t tolerate a country singer who compares the president to Hitler when it is network policy to compare him to Stalin.
The National Hot Dog Council criticized the golf fan Thursday who threw a hot dog at Tiger Woods on the green Sunday. The guy’s life is ruined. It didn’t take Michelle Obama three years in the White House to get Americans to inform on each other to the food police.
GOP candidate Mitt Romney’s candidacy got a boost Tuesday when he was endorsed by New Jersey’s popular GOP Gov. Chris Christie. They have an old saying in New Jersey. It’s a good thing to have Chris Christie on your side, unless you’re in a life raft.
Godfather Pizza former CEO Herman Cain surged into second place in the GOP polls for president Thursday. He has scored very well in the debates. In times of recession the voters seem to like his promise of less government, lower taxes and two free toppings.
Florida’s Highway Department said Thursday the recession has resulted in reduced highway deaths because fewer people are taking trips which means fewer cars on the road. It’s too soon to say the recession has saved lives, however. Until we get the statistics showing how many people have died of starvation and exposure we won’t get the full story.
Occupy Wall Street protesters invaded the Upper East Side where all the billionaires live and screamed obscenities outside their doors. It was a victory for equality. The people proved they can frighten a maid just as well as any international banker ever could.
The Washington Post published an article about President Obama’s life in the White House. It said he lives as a neurotic loner with no friends. He finds the White House a bummer because no matter which way he turns, he’s facing a painting of another colonialist.
Attorney General Eric Holder was subpoenaed by Congress Thursday to testify about his knowledge of Operation Fast and Furious. ATF undercover agents sold two thousand powerful assault rifles to the Mexican cartel. Last month on Mexican Independence Day they fired their rifles into the air to celebrate and they brought down two U.S. satellites.
Hollywood cocaine kingpin Eric Wright was arrested in Mexico for drug trafficking Thursday. He shipped drugs across North America in luxury cars on vehicle trailers. Mexican officials got suspicious when his passport listed his occupation as Paris Hilton’s life coach.
The FAA suspended a California skydiving pilot’s license Friday after a couple leaped out and had sex in mid-air before deploying the chute. It ruined everyone’s fun. Barbara Bush just told George that if he’s going skydiving on his next birthday, she’s going with him.
Olive Garden apologized after one of its Alabama restaurants would not let an 80-year-old man bring a U.S. flag into the restaurant for a Kiwanis Club banquet. No one can believe it. The restaurant missed a chance to receive the last Confederate to surrender.
President Obama vowed Thursday to isolate Iran after a terror plot was uncovered. We’re asked to believe an Iranian used car salesman recruited what he thought was a Mexican cartel member to attack Washington D.C. for a measly million bucks. There is now solid evidence that somebody in the Justice Department is writing spec scripts for USA Network.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 10.17.11

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