Argus Hamilton

 HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
“Two and a Half Men”’s Ashton Kutcher was threatened with divorce after four starlets claimed hot tub affairs with him this past week. It’s the show’s fault. They have a method acting coach who told him that in order to replace Charlie Sheen he has to be Charlie Sheen.
Tim Tebow was suggested as Bruce Willis’s successor as star of the Die Hard movies by a movie studio chairman in Hollywood. The quarterback is a champion of premarital abstinence. He’d have to commute to the movie set from Utah every day or die of loneliness.
Bill Clinton was honored by celebrities at a Hollywood Bowl concert Saturday. It was to celebrate his 65th birthday. Last week Bill went on David Letterman’s show where they entertained the country with tips about how to keep your job and your interns.
IMF former president Dominique Strauss-Kahn was cleared of rape charges in Paris Friday. Two months ago he was cleared of sexually assaulting a New York hotel maid. His lawyer just got an offer from David Stern to be the NBA director of player development.
President Obama sent 100 U.S. combat troops to Uganda Friday to help Uganda repel Christian rebels. It came as a shock to Americans. Everyone who bet that Iran was the next war had to buy a beer for everyone who bet that Africa would be the next war.
The White House planned sanctions on Iran after foiling a terrorist attack. Iran tried to assassinate a Saudi ambassador in Washington by hiring a Mexican hit man. It caused anger when people realized that American hit men are seeing their jobs out-sourced to Mexico.
President Obama hosted a beer summit in Pittsburgh Monday with four unemployed construction workers. He left feeling a lot better about the future. They explained to the president that once his unemployment runs out he can fake an injury and go on disability.
Janet Jackson banned her opening act comedians from telling jokes alluding to Michael Jackson on her tour. That’s crazy. Without sex jokes, plastic surgery jokes or drug jokes, the crowd will have to listen to 40 minutes on the difference between New York and L.A.
BlackBerry interruption spread from Europe to the United States Thursday, causing email and web outages. The experience was just horrifying. It was the first time many people under 30 had ever made eye contact with the person across the table from them.
Occupy Wall Street protesters refused to leave the private property where they have camped in New York for a city-required clean-up Friday. The protesters are dedicated and committed young revolutionaries willing to give up their lives to bring down Wall Street. They only have a couple of weeks to do it before the first freeze ends the movement.
President Obama’s campaign reported Friday it raised $70 million in the third quarter. The number of fundraising events declined from 51 to 18. That’s because they had to merge them to meet the minimum required to book the banquet room.
Rick Perry’s wife cried over his treatment in the presidential campaign Friday. He’d hit a low point in Tuesday’s debate when he said the American Revolution occurred in the 15th century. Michele Bachman had to correct him, noting that he forgot to add B.C.
Tokyo hotels offered free flights to Japan Friday to revive tourism after their nuclear accident. They’re still recovering. U.S. scientists recently measured nuclear radiation in their fish with a Geiger counter and concluded that we overthrew Saddam Hussein for less.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 10.18.11

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