Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
L.A. Dodgers owner Frank McCourt agreed to the most expensive divorce in California history Monday. He gave Jamie one hundred and fifty million dollars. When asked to comment on the amount, Maria Shriver would only say that records are made to be broken.
The St. Louis Cardinals  will host the Texas Rangers in Game One of the World Series tonight. The Rangers had substance abuse problems over the years that raise concerns. Josh Hamilton’s clean and sober now but Nelson Cruz just hit in six home runs in six games.
Susan Sarandon addressed the Hamptons Film Festival Sunday where she referred to Pope Benedict as a Nazi. She had a good reason for saying that. Her agent’s been trying to get her hired by ESPN to do Monday Night Football and she doesn’t want to do television.
California police arrested an illegal alien in San Jose Sunday for selling firearms and methamphetamines from his hot dog cart. This is a growing problem. The food safety regulations in California are so burdensome that they force hot dog carts to turn to crime.
President Obama endorsed the Occupy Wall Street protests in his MLK statue speech Sunday. His timing was pretty bad. The same day, the occupation was endorsed by the Nazi Party and the Communist Party, and they haven’t agreed on anything since Poland.
President Obama went on a three-day presidential bus tour Monday of Virginia and North Carolina. They say it’s not a political trip so the taxpayers are paying for it. He thinks he’s a man of the people as long as he takes less expensive trips than Michelle does.
Cuba’s government revealed Monday it’s prepared to drill its first oil well in the Gulf of Mexico in December when their drilling platform arrives from Singapore. They’ll be sorry. Cuba is way too poor to pay the living expenses of shrimp fishermen in New Orleans.
The McDonald’s Channel was launched on a closed circuit TV network Monday airing in-house programs. They promise a safe viewing environment. It’s the only place where you’ll be able to watch TV without being bombarded by stories about the obesity epidemic.
Texas parents were angry Monday after kids in a McAllen school’s Spanish class were forced to learn and recite the Mexican pledge of allegiance. It was an absolute melee. Violence broke out in the classroom when half the students pledged allegiance to the wrong cartel.
The Big Twelve Conference landed TCU as Missouri weighed joining the SEC Tuesday, with the ACC gaining a school here and losing one there. It’ll all work out. As of press time Monday the Big East was confident it’s just landed Hawaii and the University of Guam.
George H.W. Bush’s archives were released Saturday, revealing he almost named Clint Eastwood his VP running mate in 1988. The negotiations didn’t get off the ground. Clint was never going to accept second billing much less work for two hundred thousand dollars.
Mitt Romney led GOP candidates in Monday’s polls as conservatives scrambled to try to block the moderate Republican. His record would make him very popular on the Internet if they’d just illustrate it. Mitt Romney’s got more positions than the Kama Sutra.
GOP candidate Herman Cain for the first time led President Obama in a hypothetical election match-up Monday in the Rasmussen Poll. Democrats are cornered. Four years ago if you said you were voting for the African-American, Democrats praised you as open-minded, but today if you say you’re voting for the African-American, they call you a birther.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in  The Messenger 10.19.11

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