Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama’s Teleprompter and presidential seal were stolen from the supply truck trailing his Virginia bus tour by thieves. Do they ever regret it. The thieves now have a forty-four percent approval rating and there’s a Tea Party protest blocking their driveway.
L.A. Dodgers owner Frank McCourt agreed to give his wife Jamie a one hundred forty million dollar divorce. The guy is broke. The only way he’ll get the money is to cover Dodger Stadium in aluminum foil and tell the government that he’s a solar panel company.
Boston Red Sox starting pitchers admitted they drank beer and ate fried chicken on days they didn’t pitch. They have plenty of support. The whole point of the Wall Street protests is the right of four guys to sit around and eat fried chicken while everyone else has to work.
AT&T agreed Monday to send out alerts to customers who are approaching their text and cell phone plan limits. It’s too late now. If AT&T had only warned Tiger Woods when he went over a dozen mistresses he would have broken Jack Nicklaus’s record by now.
Jesse Jackson joined the Occupy Wall Street protesters in New York Sunday and helped them form a human chain around the medical tent to bar city health inspectors. The inspectors are right to be concerned. You can’t treat hypothermia with medical marijuana.
The Occupy Wall Street protesters were endorsed by President Obama Sunday. They also picked up the support from the American Nazi Party, the Socialist Party and the Communist Party USA. However, the Procrastination Party is taking a wait-and-see attitude.
Wall Street protesters reported that thieves are stealing their cellphones and iPads and laptops and cash as they sit in the park. It was a lesson for the young protesters to learn. They were all for social justice until somebody poorer than them wanted their stuff.
The USDA tried to limit potatoes in the federal school lunch program Monday, which prompted swift Senate opposition from the potato states. The healthy foods are not a hit. Kids are refusing to eat the broccoli and apples, causing a landfill crisis in many cities.
Martin Luther King’s statue was dedicated in Washington D.C. Sunday. Critics of the Chinese sculptor’s work say the statue makes King look angry and Asian. It originally had him smiling but then he heard that a black conservative’s leading the Republican polls.
Hillary Clinton told the Today Show she can’t wait to step down as Secretary of State and return to private life. She said she wants to spend more time with her husband. Her husband promptly sent her a text from Los Angeles telling her that her country needs her.
The Nobel Prize Committee in Oslo awarded the Nobel Prize in Economics last week to two U.S. professors of economics at New York University and Princeton. It’s a brutal science. They recommended that those hit hardest by the recession should consider dying.
Susan Sarandon called Pope Benedict a Nazi Sunday, referring to his German Army duty in World War II. He manned an anti-aircraft battery in Berlin that protected the BMW factory from U.S. bombers. Today there’s a statue of him in the Beverly Hills High School parking lot.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 10.20.11

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