Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Sir Richard Branson opened the world’s first commercial spaceport Tuesday in New Mexico as home to Virgin Galactic. They’re going to have a problem with the name. People could be understandably reluctant to board a spacecraft that doesn’t go all the way.
Philadelphia Eagle Michael Vick called Eagles cheerleaders a needless distraction on Sunday. They think he’s one, too. They’re out there trying to get a modeling contract and he keeps losing games, making everybody change the channel before their big numbers.
Apple waited until the stock market closed Tuesday before reporting a 60 percent rise in third quarter profits. Investors weren’t surprised. Wall Street saw this coming Monday when Apple was named the official corporation of the anti-corporation protesters.
President Obama sided with the Occupy Wall Street protesters Tuesday. They stand for the lawless occupation of parks and the forced redistribution of wealth. He may someday get a statue on the mall for his stand in favor of oppressed white college students.
Amazon was sued by a Hollywood actress Thursday for revealing her true age online in a film database. It revealed she’s 40 when she looks 30. The real reason that California banned smoking in bars and restaurants was the rumor that Botox is flammable.
The GOP presidential candidates clashed in Las Vegas Tuesday in a debate that aired on CNN. Everyone in town adores Herman Cain when he walks through the casinos. Every time Cain shouts 9-9-9 all the slot players think they have won a progressive jackpot.
Herman Cain swore Monday he was joking when he called on Tiger Woods five years ago to run for president. That’s before Tiger was revealed as a faithless husband. Ever since Herman Cain hired Nancy Reagan’s astrologer he’s been two years ahead of everybody else.
The USS John Stennis moved into position near Iran Monday. It’s named for the Southern senator who fought for segregation. As part of our plan to bring democracy, we’re starting with the separate drinking fountain phase and then we will work our way to voting rights.
Susan Sarandon set off a national uproar at the Hamptons Film Festival on Tuesday by twice referring to Pope Benedict as a Nazi. It’s now a war of words. The Vatican issued a statement pointing out that Susan Sarandon hasn’t had a hit since Thelma and Louise.
Herman Cain was hounded into apologizing Tuesday for suggesting that the U.S. build a border wall with Mexico with electric wires along the top. It’s really an effective way to screen immigrants. You wouldn’t be allowed in California unless nothing can shock you.
Mexico’s former president Vicente Fox gave a speech in the U.S. criticizing border fence talk. He was in the country on official business. His assault weapon needs to be cleaned and the Justice department gave him a two-year warranty that includes free maintenance.
Toronto’s marathon had a 100-year-old runner complete the race Sunday. It points to a coming catastrophe. If Social Security wasn’t bankrupt before, just wait until 60 million Baby Boomers find out that jogging every day will help you live to a hundred.
McDonald’s began its own in-house TV network for customers to watch. They’ll show footage of fries being poured into grease. It’s so erotic for junk food lovers that McDonald’s is screening off a separate section of booths with curtains where children are not allowed.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 10.21.11

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