Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama announced that Moammar Kadaffi had been killed by U.S.-backed rebel forces in Libya Thursday. You knew it was coming. Every president starts out intending to be a Nobel Peace Prize winner and ends up as Billy the Kid when his numbers start to drop.
Moammar Kadaffi was killed by Libyan rebels in his hometown on Thursday. There were photos posted on the Internet of his bullet-ridden body. He was so dead that the Energy Department just granted a five hundred million dollar loan to him for energy development.
Field and Stream forecast ideal weather conditions for hunters in the November hunting seasons for game and waterfowl throughout the South and Midwest. However, you might want to reconsider if you’re thinking about hunting in Ohio. They say it’s a jungle out there.
Ohio police tracked down and shot all the lions, tigers, wolves and cheetahs set free by the suicide-bent keeper Tuesday. It didn’t sit well with many. For the next two days customers complained that the ninety-nine cent burritos at Taco Bell tasted a little gamey.
The LSU Tigers suspended three star players Thursday after they reportedly tested positive for marijuana. It was predictable. The team was involved in a huge bar fight before the season started and the team doctor put them on pot to cut down on fist injuries.
Lindsay Lohan was ordered by her Los Angeles judge Wednesday to start serving her community service hours working in the Los Angeles County Morgue. The penalty was carefully thought out. Psychologists insist that shoplifters have no interest in used jewelry.
The U.S. Senate drafted a bill Friday to grant U.S. visas to foreigners if they agree to buy a house. The house must sell for at least a half a million dollars. The idea is to attract rich people to the United States to offset the rich people who are leaving the United States.
GOP candidate Herman Cain urged the U.S. to build a wall on the Mexican border just like the Great Wall of China Tuesday. The idea poses engineering difficulties. We’d have to find a way to build the largest wall in history with all the workers on the south side of it.
Virginia police began looking for thieves who stole President Obama’s Teleprompter from his bus tour. The hunt is on. Police are looking for a suspect in a blue Chevy who’s constantly looking to the left and right and blaming the Republicans for blocking his jobs bill.
A New York husband caught his wife cheating Friday using a tracking app called Find My Friend on the new Apple iPhone he bought her. There’s no privacy anymore. It’s not well-known that we found Osama bin Laden after he looked up an old girlfriend on Facebook.
French first lady Carla Bruni-Sarkozy gave birth to a girl Friday who became the first baby born to a sitting French president. People magazine was willing to pay a fortune for the first baby pictures. Americans want to see if she looks like Dominique Strauss-Kahn.
GOP debates escalated to near-brawling levels Tuesday when Mitt Romney and Rick Perry sparred in Las Vegas. It was a semi-final match. The victor will take on the winner of the George Hamilton-Lyle Waggoner fight for the GOP nomination for president next year.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 10.24.11

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