Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama gave a speech at the Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas Monday. The town is suffering. The Bellagio water shows are cut back, Wayne Newton’s working the lounge and the volcano in front of the Mirage only erupts when somebody qualifies for a mortgage.
The Washington Post poll says that 70 percent of Americans think the country is in decline. We were in a recession and now we’re starting to see inflation. This year the five most expensive items in the Neiman Marcus Christmas catalogue are breakfast cereals.
Human Rights Watch protested the treatment of Moammar Kadaffi’s body on Monday. It was displayed in a freezer in a shopping mall for three days. Forcing any man to spend a whole weekend at the mall during football season is a violation of the Geneva Convention.
Lindsay Lohan agreed to pose nude for Playboy magazine for $1 million this week. It’s only the start of the money she can make as a model. Bartender’s Monthly magazine would pay twice that much for an MRI of her liver for their December centerfold.
President Obama was in L.A. for two campaign fundraisers in Bel-Air on Tuesday. He arrived billing himself as a warrior for the middle class. For all Bel-Air knows about the middle class he might as well bill himself as a warrior for a rent-to-own furniture store.
Rick Perry proposed a flat tax plan Tuesday which ditches the child tax credit. Under it illegal aliens were paid $4 billion for having additional babies last year. The border fences can’t be high enough when you live in a country that pays people to have sex.
Washington police report two men wearing George W. Bush masks robbed a bank of $100,000. It only got worse. The next day a guy in a Barack Obama mask walked inside the bank and demanded $1 million for struggling homeowners.
President Obama got a three-point bump in the polls after Kadaffi’s killing Monday. He got three-point bumps after knocking off al-Awlaki and bin Laden. When he first took office he wouldn’t even call it a War on Terror, now he kills terrorists the way some politicians kiss babies.
GOP candidate Herman Cain announced he’ll begin a national advertising campaign on Rush Limbaugh’s radio show. These ads will be good for the country. This will mean fewer commercials warning six million Americans a day to buy gold and get under the bed.
GOP candidate Rick Perry raised the issue of the veracity of President Obama’s birth certificate Sunday. He should tread carefully here. Rick Perry is already on the record in favor of benefits for illegal immigrants, but he has to draw the line at a second term for them.
Congress’s Super Committee was urged by the Dollar Coin Alliance Tuesday to scrap the $1 bill in favor of a $1 coin. It’s a determined group. The alliance includes gold miners, silver miners and bartenders who think they’ll get more $5  tips.
Ohio passed a law limiting ownership of wild animals Monday after lions, tigers and wolves were freed last week by a deranged keeper. It was exciting. A female tiger was seen chasing a male tiger across the county for two miles and she was carrying a nine-iron.
The Weather Channel showed spectacular photos of the Northern Lights painting the night sky red all the way down to Georgia Monday. Solar flares are bombarding Earth’s atmosphere. Al Gore just called George Hamilton to ask him which way we should go on this.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 10.27.11

Print