Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama called himself a warrior for the middle class at a fundraiser in San Francisco Wednesday. Everybody wants to be something they’re not. Barack Obama wants to be middle class, Bill Clinton wants to be black, while George W. Bush has a library.
New York City outlawed taxi drivers from honking their horns Friday unless it’s life or death. The cabbies tend to be foreigners from Muslim nations. The city should put up billboards saying Honk If You Love Jesus and everyone will be able to hear the birds again.
BP got its first permit to drill in the Gulf since last year’s oil spill Friday. Saudi Arabia is unstable, Kadaffi was executed and we’re exiting Iraq. BP figures they have five years to get the oil out before a Shrimp Spring overthrows the rig and kicks them out of the Gulf.
Michael Jackson’s doctor’s trial for negligent manslaughter dragged into its fifth week on Tuesday. The jurors are in no hurry. With free meals, validated parking and twelve dollars per diem, the city is getting three hundred resumes coming in a day for jury service.
Rick Perry went on Fox News and accused Mitt Romney of flip-flopping on the issues Wednesday. The charge didn’t go unanswered. Mitt Romney responded by saying Rick Perry doesn’t know what he is talking about, but praised him for his breadth of knowledge.
The Atlantic Monthly analyzed President Obama’s student loan debt reduction order Thursday and reported it only saves a student six to eight dollars a month. That’s only enough for one six pack. No politician ever got your vote for president just by wetting your whistle.
The State Department just bought thousands of books written by Barack Obama for overseas distribution. He gets a fifteen percent royalty on each book sold to his own government. Bill Clinton cannot believe there is actually something he didn’t think of first.
Hillary Clinton announced the U.S. is setting up an Internet-based virtual U.S. embassy in Iran. It’s to reach out to Iranians who want to learn about the U.S. or travel to the U.S. We could balance the budget just by selling them Great Satan costumes for Halloween.
Michigan police arrested an eighty-nine-year-old man with three hundred pounds of cocaine they seized in his truck Tuesday. Everyone feels bad for him. It‘s just another example of a thrifty senior citizen losing his retirement plan due to a government takeover.
Occupy Wall Street protesters enjoyed gourmet meals from local restaurants Friday in New York. Money is no object. Thirty days ago the banks provided every protester in the park with an Occupy Wall Street credit card with deceptively low introductory rates.
Ford Motors didn’t pay third quarter dividends Thursday despite a billion and a half in earnings. The company now has twenty billion in cash and only eight billion in debt. No one wants to think where Detroit would be today if Jay Leno didn’t own eighty-four cars.
Governor Jerry Brown proposed a rollback on public employee benefits Wednesday and a raise in the state employee retirement age to sixty-seven. A busy year awaits him. Minorities are pressing hard to have English recognized as California’s third language.
The NFL fined Pittsburgh Steeler Troy Polamolu ten thousand dollars for calling his wife from the sidelines during last Sunday’s game to tell her he was okay after an injury. The NFL doesn’t allow cell phones on the bench during games. With the NBA sidelined, gamblers seeking a sure thing have taken to giving football players free cell phone minutes.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 10.31.11

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