Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Anonymous opened in movie theaters Friday and claims the Earl of Oxford authored Shakespeare’s plays. It says Will was just a drunken, ill-educated, womanizing actor. It seems the only thing Will Shakespeare actually wrote was the pilot for Two and a Half Men.
Buckingham Palace decreed a new succession rule Friday designating the monarch’s first-born as successor to the throne whether it’s a boy or girl. If it’s a boy, he’ll be king, if it’s a girl she will be queen. If it’s a little bit of both, there’s always Dancing with the Stars.
Bernie Madoff gave an interview to Barbara Walters on Friday. He said he is happier in prison where he has free food, free shelter, free medical care, and no rent to pay. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills get the same deal, and for just about the same price every night.
Wall Street protesters in Boston’s Dewey Square set aside a Sacred Space Friday. It is where people of all faith can practice their religion. Three times a day Boston Red Sox pitchers come to the Sacred Space and drop down to their knees for fried chicken and beer.
Ohio police pulled over thirty year-old Erin Holdsworth after a high speed car chase Thursday and found her topless and wearing only fishnet stockings and high heels. The cops chased her for miles. No one could figure out when the congressman fell out of the car.
German banks agreed to bail out Greece Thursday with a plan which requires severe entitlement cutbacks supervised by the Germans. It’s every bit as severe as it sounds. Yesterday Zorba the Greek was lined up and shot for celebrating life during working hours.
President Obama lowered student loan interest rates Tuesday and ordered student loans be forgiven after twenty years. He said forgiving a debt is the most honorable thing that someone can do. That’s a joke he used in China last year to break up the bond traders.
President Obama angered Congress by bypassing lawmakers to lower student loan interest rates. Student loan debt quintupled in the last ten years. It now costs two hundred thousand dollars over four years to teach a kid that everything is America’s fault.
Herman Cain set Democratic media tongues to wagging Thursday with a YouTube ad by his campaign chief Mark Block. He’s smoking a cigarette during the ad which seemed like dirty pool. President Obama saw the ad and offered to cut taxes for just one last smoke.
Rick Perry said Friday he may no longer participate in the GOP debates. He says they don’t fit his style. To lure GOP primary voters he’s offered a flat tax, he’s proposed eliminating the estate tax, and he’s going to change his name to Apple i-Something.
Congress subpoenaed White House records on the half-billion dollar taxpayer loans to Solyndra solar panel company. Republicans are the oil party and Democrats are the solar party. Democrats hate oil because white Protestants beat everybody to the oil fields and Republicans don’t like solar power because you can’t send U.S. troops to secure the sun.
Michael Jackson and Elvis topped the list of the dead celebrity earners last year but Albert Einstein finished fourth with ten million dollars. The guy is a show business legend. He proved you don’t have to grab your crotch and swivel your hips to kill a crowd.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 11.1.11

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