Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Herman Cain admitted Monday he was accused of sexual harassment by two women while he was a lobbyist in Washington fifteen years ago. That’s how well he’s doing in the polls. He has not even been elected yet and already the impeachment effort has started.
The Alabama Crimson Tide and the LSU Tigers will face off Saturday in a prime-time battle between the top two college teams. Everyone’s choosing sides. Last night Mitt Romney was interviewed by ESPN and he came out squarely in favor of the Crimson Tigers.
The Weather Channel reported a never-before-seen October blizzard that blanketed the Eastern Seaboard Saturday. Everyone froze. It was so cold in New Hampshire that only people with names like Ed and Bob had enough time to write their names in the snow.
The National Parks Service said Monday that tourist reservations are down at lodges at national parks this autumn. It’s one of two reasons. It’s either fear of bad weather or bears have moved into vacant factories and people can see nature a lot closer to home now.
Occupy Wall Street protestors complained that homeless people have infiltrated the park for the free food. They’re just furious about it. Everybody’s sitting around wish that there was a way to help the downtrodden without a lot of losers trying to get in on it.
MLB vice president Joe Torre announced Saturday that Major League Baseball won’t ban beer in the team clubhouses during or after games. The league cares about setting an example for young people. It’s important for kids to learn that you never offend a sponsor.
Bernie Madoff’s wife Ruth said Sunday that when the Ponzi scam was exposed they tried to commit suicide together. They stood near an open window and took Ambien. Now the FDA requires the drug companies to list arrest and imprisonment as one of the side effects.
The GPS Walking Shoe was introduced by Aetrex which has a tracking system in its heel. Its GPS allows you to track someone’s whereabouts on your iPhone. Californians can buy these shoes for themselves and their phones will always tell them where they are.
President Obama travels to France this week where the Group of Twenty industrial nation leaders meet at Cannes. The resort features the nicest hotels in the world and topless beaches. It’s a perfect location because they all lost their shirts bailing out Greece.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com Published in The Messenger 11.2.11

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