Argus Hamilton

 HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama passed his physical with flying colors Tuesday. The doctor said the president is slim, he’s physically active, he eats healthy foods and he limits himself to a beer or two a week. It’s the best evidence yet that President Obama isn’t a real American.
Frank McCourt agreed to sell the L.A. Dodgers Tuesday following a scandalous public divorce from his wife Jamie. The fault lay with local circumstances. She had an affair with her chauffeur, which could never have happened if traffic ever moved in Los Angeles
NBA players went on Twitter Tuesday to express their anger over the slow progress of the labor negotiations with the NBA owners. The players are so bored they’re going berserk. Some of them have taken to marrying and divorcing Kardashians just to stay busy.
Hillary Clinton disclosed that Russia tried to plant a spy close to her inside her State Department office. Nice try, Russians. You don’t stay married to Bill Clinton for 35 years without developing an instinct for knowing when somebody’s hiding under the desk.
Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to 30 days in jail in Beverly Hills court Wednesday for getting fired for disregarding her community service. It’s bad. She’d been assigned to work in the county morgue, but the judge ruled that these people have suffered enough.
New York’s Occupy Wall Street had an outbreak of STD among protesters in the park Monday. It won’t affect their cause. They oppose big banks, the big brokerages and the big drug companies, but they voted to make an exception for the one that makes penicillin.
Rick Perry denied he was drinking or on pain pills during a New Hampshire speech Friday which went viral on the web. This is some crop of Republican party candidates this year. We’ve got one candidate denying he’s drunk, one denying he’s a sexual harasser and one denying he’s a flip-flopper but then admitting that he’s a flip-flopper the next day.
Condi Rice revealed Monday she thought she and President Bush had been poisoned by mailed ricin 10 years ago. They were informed by Dick Cheney over the phone during an official visit to China that they were all going to die from the poison. So if it’s true they ever had an affair, it’s only because they thought they were going to die the next day.
Apple executives confirmed reports Monday that Apple’s constructing a solar energy company in North Carolina. Why go solar? General Electric just told them if they can get a government loan for a green energy project, they’ll never have to pay income taxes again.
Planter’s announced that peanut butter prices will go up 40 percent Monday along with similar price hikes for Jiffy and Peter Pan. It won’t stop people from buying peanut butter. Anything that sticks to the roof of your mouth counts as two meals in this economy.
The House of Represent-atives cast a symbolic vote Wednesday to reaffirm In God We Trust as the national motto of the United States. The bill endorsing God had 62 co-sponsors. It shows that there are 373 safe seats in Congress.
Greece triggered a world stock market dive Tuesday by scheduling a vote on the EU bailout plan that cuts Greek benefits. They may leave the Eurozone. Most Americans think the Eurozone is what gets you sued for sexual harassment if you touch it even accidentally.
Herman Cain pulled in a quarter million dollars in campaign donations the day after accusations of sexual harassment surfaced against him. He’ll have to refund most of it. A lot of comedians don’t know there are limits on how much you can give to a presidential candidate.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.4.11

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