Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
NBA players were unable to reach a labor agreement with NBA owners on Thursday in New York. The devil’s in the details. The NBA players are very close to agreement on percentage of profits but they are hopelessly deadlocked over Kardashian-Related income.
Lindsay Lohan was jailed again Thursday on her four-year-old DUI arrest in Beverly Hills. The cops didn’t see her toss the cocaine out of the car onto a house lawn and they left it there. It is the only property in California that’s increased in value over the last four years.
New York Police said Zuccotti Park where Occupy Wall Street protesters are camped has become a law-free zone. The protesters do drugs, rob and sexually assault each other and everyone agrees not to tell the cops to keep them out. They put a twenty-four hour guard on the Statue of Liberty because this is how the planet of the Apes always ends up.
Herman Cain was hit by a third accusation of past sexual harassment Thursday. The accusations occurred when was the head lobbyist for the restaurant industry. The best bet is that Herman Cain leaked the sexual harassment story himself to keep anyone from noticing he lobbied Congress for a lower minimum wage and an open border with Mexico.
Herman Cain cited his experience as president of Godfather Pizza to show his ability to run the country Wednesday. His comments don’t inspire a lot of confidence. He just promised that if the economy doesn’t improve in thirty minutes, the next recession is free.
The White House saw a poll Tuesday saying seventy percent of Americans believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. It’s grim. Half of the young people in America have had to move back in with their parents and the other half are moving home to Mexico.
The New York Mets announced plans on Thursday to move in the fences at Citi Field for more home runs. It will be the most hitter-friendly park in baseball. The warning track sounds a siren to let the ballplayers know when the random drug tests are scheduled.
The Indianapolis Colts denied Tuesday they plan to tank games in order to draft first and get Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck. He’s majoring in architectural design and engineering. Whenever he draws a play in the dirt the Israelis suspect he’s building a nuclear reactor.
Congress subpoenaed the White House to hand over all records of the Solyndra solar panel company loan. They lost a half billion in taxpayer money after they contributed to the Obama campaign. It’s taught as the law of supply and demand in Chicago public schools.
The FDA announced plans to spend six hundred million dollars to educate people on the dangers of smoking. The agency said the first ads will target young men, blacks and the military. It sounds like all of that money’s going to pay for our Commander in Chief’s Nicorette habit.
President Obama flew to the South of France Thursday and met with the leaders of the twenty industrial nations. He had to be a little disappointed in the Riviera. It was cold, dark and windy, but they were able to stay warm by setting fire to their Greek bonds.
The Statue of Liberty was the site of a swearing-in ceremony for new U.S. citizens Friday on the statue’s one hundred and twenty-fifth birthday. She’s quite a sight. The statue is one of two gifts from France to the people of the United States, but we returned Vietnam for a refund.
Price is Right legendary host Bob Barker appeared on Capitol Hill to lobby Congress for a bill to improve the treatment of circus animals. He spent years investigating circuses. He likes to lay in the net beneath the trapeze and invite the girls to come on down.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.8.11

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