Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — Happy Birthday Dad, and God Bless America.
Oklahoma seismologists recorded a bigger-than-ever-felt earthquake hitting the central section of the Sooner State on Saturday. This continues a highly disturbing trend. Things are so bad in California that even the earthquakes are moving back to Oklahoma.
Herman Cain was hit by a third sex harassment charge Friday from a one-time staffer who said he once invited her to his hotel room. There’s a standard explanation. Like a lot of CEO’s he likes to travel with a secretary near his bed in case he gets an idea at night.
Herman Cain’s GOP poll numbers rose Friday despite charges of sexual misconduct against him. Democrats remained mum. Their baggage includes Ted Kennedy, John Edwards and Gary Hart, not to mention that only Jerry Rice had more career grabs than Bill Clinton.
Fashion Week reported Tuesday that there’s a huge demand for the wedding dress worn by Kim Kardashian. The madness has even reached down to the Christmas toy market. Little girls used to play Barbie and Ken get married, and now they play Kim cheats on Kris with Reggie.
The Labor Department said Friday the U.S. added eighty thousand jobs, which lowered unemployment a tenth of a point. However, that doesn’t count discouraged workers. Every time a Labor Department pollster goes into a bar to count heads, he never comes out again.
Arab television network Al-Jazeera announced in Dubai Thursday that it will launch an all-sports channel to air throughout the Arab world. It’s an encouraging sign. If we can get the Arab world hooked on football, Israel will be safe on Sundays, and that’s a start.
Cuba announced Friday that Cubans may buy or sell private homes. However, the law forbids the Cuban exiles in Miami from buying houses in Cuba. They want them to stay in Florida and continue their important work preventing Al Gore from becoming president.
The FCC was ruled to have improperly fined CBS for Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction exposing her breast at the Super Bowl. This was seven years ago when it was a shock. Now they come flying out on ABC’s Dancing with the Stars and nobody thinks a thing about it.
Congress subpoenaed White House records of the half-billion dollar U.S. loan to Solyndra solar company. Solar energy would mean no more oil spills, but that doesn’t mean it’s safe. California has proven that a sun spill can cause narcissistic personality disorder and an outbreak of plastic surgery.
New York’s Wall Street protesters tried to block the entrance to Goldman-Sachs. This was really dumb. These traders could destroy Occupy Wall Street by borrowing money against the movement, securitizing it, then selling the bonds to pension funds and Greece.
Jack Abramoff was released from federal prison Sunday and went on CBS’s 60 Minutes to talk about crooked lobbying. He can’t understand what he did wrong. He went to jail for fleecing Indian tribes when the first twenty U.S. presidents were elected on their record of doing that.
L.A. Dodgers owner Frank McCourt divided six houses with wife Jamie Friday after her affair with the chauffeur ended their marriage. He must sell the team after looting it to buy up L.A. real estate. He took team revenue and bought six L.A. mansions when he should have spent that money signing better ballplayers and sealing the glass divider in the limo.
President Obama ripped House Republicans while in France on Friday. Last week he told Harvard he feels bad for college kids, he stood by the middle class in Bel-Air, then he ripped the rich at the French Riviera. Someday they’ll write a Broadway play about Barack Obama called, The Man Who Came to Dinner to Make Us Feel Just Terrible about Ourselves.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.9.11

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