Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Rick Perry suffered a brain freeze during the GOP debate on Wednesday. He couldn’t recall the third of three agencies he’d eliminate if he were president. He didn’t repair the damage the next morning on CNN when he identified rock-paper-scissors as the Axis of Evil.
Minnesota former Governor Jesse Ventura lost a federal lawsuit against the TSA and announced he’s giving up his U.S. citizenship and moving to Mexico. He was once a Navy SEAL in Vietnam. LBJ ordered him back home because we weren’t that mad at the Viet Cong.
The FCC took over TV and radio signals Wednesday to test the Emergency Broadcast System in case of attack. They called it a success although the Pacific Northwest didn’t get the signal at all. If anyone has nothing to worry about it’s the states closest to North Korea.
NASA scientists disclosed that an asteroid the size of an aircraft carrier missed the Earth by only two hundred thousand miles Tuesday. It gave the fans of Israel and the fans of Iran something they could agree on. Nobody wants the big game screwed up by bad weather.
Lindsay Lohan was allowed by a Beverly Hills judge to pose for Playboy before her jail check-in-and-out Monday. She needs some new friends. Last year Charlie Sheen and Paris Hilton took Lindsay to the Betty Ford Center and the admitting staff brought out three wheelchairs.
Michael Jackson’s doctor Conrad Murray was convicted of manslaughter in Los Angeles Monday. He monitored the King of Pop’s narcotic intake. The next day Governor Rick Perry named Dr. Murray to the post of Texas State Director of Death Penalty Back-Up.
Rick Perry blew the GOP debate Wednesday when he couldn’t remember the third of three cabinet posts he’d shut down. He drew a lengthy, painful blank. This attempt by the GOP candidates to be the most like Reagan has officially crossed the line into bad taste.
The GOP presidential candidates held a debate on CNBC Wednesday where they took turns bashing China as the source of U.S. economic woes. The rhetoric got very nasty. If Chinese leaders watched this debate they must wonder about the country they just bought.
Herman Cain tripped up on foreign policy Sunday when he said he didn’t know that China has nuclear weapons. The misstep didn’t make any sense. For a guy who was the president of a pizza company, you’d think he’d know which nations come with mushrooms.
Treasury Department official Karen Kraushaar accused GOP candidate Herman Cain of past sexual harassment Tuesday. He maintains his innocence. Unless they all take lie detector tests it’s just another case of he said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said.
Wal-Mart revealed plans Friday to partner with health care companies to set up medical clinics at its outlets. They’ll treat serious medical conditions in the store. You can soon get a diabetes shot one aisle over from where you get your Giant Mister Goodbar.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.14.11

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