Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Iron Lady with Meryl Streep as Margaret Thatcher was previewed Friday. In the last three years the holiday hits have been The Queen, The King’s Speech and now The Iron Lady. We only celebrate Independence Day because the mattress retailers lobby for it.
Joe Paterno was revealed Tuesday to have sold his house to his wife for one dollar a few months ago. He denied shielding his assets from lawsuits. He wanted to sell it for five dollars but there were two foreclosures on the block and the appraiser said he was dreaming.
Newt Gingrich surged in the polls Thursday to tie Mitt Romney among GOP primary voters and he took the lead in Iowa. Just months ago his own campaign staff left him for dead. Newt Gingrich has been written off more times than a business trip to a strip club.
NBC News hired Chelsea Clinton to report for Brian Williams’s newsmagazine show on Monday nights. NBC also hired Jenna Bush for the Today Show and Meghan McCain for MSNBC. The network has a strict hiring policy that if daddy loses, you have to do cable.
The Secret Service arrested Oscar Ortega for firing two bullets at the White House while the first family was out of town. One cracked a window. The way Congress has been selling itself to lobbyists, broken windows in the neighborhood was the next logical step.
President Obama told Australian school kids Friday that U.S. kids had fallen behind in mathematics and science. The insult didn’t go unnoticed. The next day U.S. kids called a press conference and said that President Obama had fallen behind Romney and Gingrich.
President Obama flew to Canberra and announced he’s sending twenty-five hundred U.S. Marines to Australia. China had two and a half million soldiers, ten thousand soldiers for each U.S. Marine. The opening odds in Las Vegas have the Marines as a ten-point favorite.
Occupy Wall Street protesters announced they will occupy the subways of New York Thursday. They think they’re going to confront the rich while they ride a subway. It’s the first proof that the staff in the kitchen tent has been putting LSD in the Lobster Thermidor.
House Republicans passed a bill Friday allowing citizens with state permits to carry concealed weapons to cross state lines with the guns. In order to stop the bill in the Senate, the Democrats will have to plead states’ rights. The betting is, they’d rather get shot.
Congress weighed raising revenue by lowering tax rates and eliminating deductions for wealthier Americans Friday. It’s very taxpayer-convenient. Under the plan you can get your tax refund check mailed to you or have it deposited directly into your gas station.
New York’s Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices top one hundred dollars a barrel this week, sending gasoline prices through the roof again. It’s dismaying. Last week during the morning rush hour, Los Angeles police pulled over a van with fifty legal Americans in it.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 11.21.11

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