Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Super Committee failed to get a budget deal in Congress Monday. None of them wanted to risk their jobs by voting for something unpopular. Forbes just revealed that there are two hundred fifty millionaires sitting in Congress, the rest are in their first term.
The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn was a huge box office hit last weekend. It pulled in three hundred million dollars worldwide. The Super Committee has just decided to dress up like vampires for Thanksgiving and see if they can coax any money out of female taxpayers.
Michael C. Hall signed to play Dexter for a seventh and eighth season on Monday. He plays a cop detective who’s also a serial killer, only kills murderers who evade justice. Robert Wagner and O.J. Simpson have been invited to guest star in seasons seven and eight.
Michelle Obama was booed by NASCAR fans at Miami Speedway on Sunday when she was introduced to start the race. It’s her own fault. She made a big mistake before the race by going to the concession stands and ordering them not to sell beer and French fries.
Discovery Channel shows two men escaping Botswana’s marshland on Dual Survival Sunday. We use many terms from the jungle. For instance, a cougar is an older woman who seduces young men, and an older man who seduces young boys is called a Nittany Lion.
North Carolina rescue helicopters found three lost Boy Scouts alive and well Sunday somewhere in the Smoky Mountains. The rescue choppers found them just in time. The boys had gotten lost on a hike and wandered within a mile of the Assistant Coaches Jubilee.
Iowa farmers were reported Monday to be receiving huge offers from agribusiness corporations for farms they own. Rich soil has become the world’s most valuable commodity. This explains why all the GOP candidates are competing for the endorsement of the Sultan of Des Moines.
Newt Gingrich addressed an Iowa family values group Monday. He urged Occupation Wall Street protesters to go home, to get a bath and to get a job. Newt has surged to the top because he’s one of the two GOP candidates who can remember three things at a time.
Tiger Woods fired six birdies Sunday to lead the U.S. team to victory in the President’s Cup at Royal Melbourne Golf Club. His last victory was in Australia two years ago. The girlfriends in that hemisphere rotate in the opposite direction and that’s good for his back.
The NBA season was on the verge of cancellation Monday as NBA players and owners deadlocked. Two months are already down the drain. The ratings for ultimate fighting are up, NBA merchandise sales are down and Laker fans are being forced to riot over bank fees.
New York cops arrested lone wolf al-Qaeda sympathizer Jose Pimintel Monday. They caught him making pipe bombs. He’s also known as Muhammad Yusef, but he uses his Hispanic name so he can come back and forth across the U.S. border without being stopped.
NASA will launch the Mars Curiosity Rover on a nine-month voyage to the Red Planet this week. It’s equipped with drilling bits, video cameras and chemical sensors. They’re anxious to find out whether there’s life on Mars and if there is, if Justin Bieber is the father.
Georgia became the last state in the union to approve a city option allowing retailers to sell liquor on Sundays. Maybe it’ll help soothe the tensions that tear us apart. We live in a world where Jews don’t recognize Jesus, Arabs don’t recognize Israel, Protestants don’t recognize the pope and where Baptists don’t recognize each other in the liquor store.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 11.23.11

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