Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Robert Wagner was the suspect in a murder case on NCIS Tuesday on which he plays the star’s father. He’s very believable. He can’t explain how a body just turned up in his car trunk out of nowhere and he also can’t explain why his car is tied up to his yacht.
L.A. Sheriffs reopened the Natalie Wood drowning case after thirty years Friday. The yacht captain implicated Robert Wagner. It might cost him his commercial for Guardian but he could be the new spokesperson for saving money on your divorce with LegalZoom.
WalMart opened its doors for Christmas shopping on Thanksgiving Day at ten in the morning. Store greeters were stampeded when the doors opened. Guys who held off the Germans in the Battle of the Bulge were overrun by women looking for electronics bargains.
Occupy Wall Street protesters vowed to sit-in at Bloomingdale’s and Saks to protest Friday’s sales. This could get ugly. As badly as they reacted last week to pepper spray in California they’ll never make it past the product demonstrators at the perfume counter.
Rick Perry told the GOP debate Tuesday he married his wife sixteen years after their first date. There’s a reason everything took so long. He could remember where first base was, and where second base was, but he could never remember where third base was.
A New Jersey couple who named their baby boy after Adolf Hitler had the child taken from them. The four-year-old was believed to have been whisked out the country. He was last seen telling everyone where to sit and where to sleep in the Occupy Poland encampment.
Jack Daniel’s ducked an attempt by Tennessee politicians to tax whisky by the barrel Tuesday. The distillery draws more tourists than Graceland. If you could choose between a fifth of Jack Daniel’s and a peanut butter and French fry sandwich which would you pick?
Gary Busey was sued by a woman for drunkenly tackling her in line at the airport in Tulsa Friday. He just played a mental patient on Two and a Half Men. The economy is so bad in Hollywood that actors get themselves arrested whenever they need new head shots.
The University of Hawaii went under investigation Tuesday for point shaving by the football players. It was bound to happen with the NBA closed down. A sure thing is like a homeless person -- it’s got to go somewhere so it might as well go where the weather’s nice.
Pittsburgh Steelers legend Franco Harris was fired as a greeter by Meadows Casino in Pennsylvania for standing by his old coach Joe Paterno. He was talking before he had all the information. Normally, if you want to do that you’ve got to be running for president.
Congressman Barney Frank accused some members of Congress of being vegetables Tuesday. Is this wise? If Barney Frank accuses some members of Congress of being vegetables he opens himself up to the deduction that some members of Congress are fruits.
President Obama was heckled loudly by Occupy Wall Street protesters when he tried to give a speech in New Hampshire Monday. He’s getting trouble from all sides in the Democratic Party. On the left, protesters are heckling him; in the center, pollsters urge him to step aside; and Bill Clinton just wrote a book arguing that blow jobs are better than no jobs.
Hillary Clinton sanctioned Iran Tuesday for plotting to kill the Saudi ambassador in Washington. It never made sense to baby boomers. Iran supposedly hires a Mexican cartel leader to kill a Saudi diplomat for a million dollars, as opposed to just giving him four bricks of coke for the same million and not having every spy agency in the world after you.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.25.11

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