Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Ohio State coach Urban Meyer told reporters Monday he grew up in Ohio. He said his family had a portrait of Woody Hayes on the den wall next to the pope’s portrait. Under Ohio law, Woody Hayes’s portrait must hang to the right of the pope’s and slightly elevated.
Herman Cain was named by a woman who claimed having a thirteen-year love affair with him Monday. Four women claim that he sexually harassed them. At one point in his marriage, Herman Cain stopped being unfaithful, but some things are like riding a bike.
Herman Cain was reported Monday to be considering dropping out of the race for the GOP presidential nomination. Nevertheless, his candidacy served two valuable purposes in this election. He showed that the Tea Party wasn’t racist and he made Newt look faithful.
The Justice Department vowed Monday to challenge the legality of Alabama‘s illegal immigration law. The way the law verifies your citizenship is pretty foolproof. They ask you a math and science question and if you get it wrong you were born in the United States.
Newt Gingrich thanked the Manchester Union Leader for comparing him to Churchill on Tuesday. Newt then compared himself to Reagan and Thatcher. For six months it was enough to not be Mitt Romney but eventually you need more and more to get the same high.
The Washington Post’s Aaron Miller openly tweeted his followers Tuesday asking if they know any past dirt on Newt Gingrich or past wild statements made by him. It’s so dumb. You can’t get information just by tweeting for it, you have to water-board somebody.
Iranian protesters broke into the British embassy in Teheran on Tuesday, seized six hostages, burned the British flag and seized a portrait of the Queen. They later released their hostages in the park. They left them in the capable hands of Occupy Teheran.
Playboy was sued for sex discrimination by men who had to pay a thousand dollars a ticket to get into a lingerie party at Hugh Hefner’s mansion while women got in free. Hefner tried it their way once. He discovered that hot-looking women in L.A. aren’t going to pay to attend a rent-raising party.
The Powerball Lottery prize was claimed by three Wall Street asset managers Monday. They will manage the two hundred fifty million for the winner. You knew how this story was going to turn out the moment two beautiful magician’s assistants made their entrance.
Wall Street rose Tuesday on news of Cyber Monday’s huge sales. It’s a big holiday for online shopping because people like to shop while they’re at work. The good news is not how much they spent on merchandise but that that so many Americans still have work.
President Obama went Christmas shopping in Washington Saturday. He bought eight books for his kids. President Obama does most of his holiday shopping on Christmas Eve, because in politics you never know who your friends are going to be four weeks from now.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 12.1.11

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