Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The NFL suspended Detroit Lions star Ndamukong Suh for unsportsmanlike conduct on Thanksgiving Day. He slammed the head of an opponent onto the ground and then stomped on his arm. Even millionaires go nuts at Walmart when flat-screen TVs go on sale.
Charlie Sheen traveled to Colombia Tuesday to scout locations for a movie he wants to make. It’s set off a local frenzy. He announced he plans to be in Colombia for two weeks and for the first time in history Colombians are worried that they might run out of cocaine.
Conrad Murray got four years in jail in the Michael Jackson case Tuesday. The singer makes billions in revenue now. Conrad makes people so much money after they’re dead that when he gets out he could become the TV spokesman for Colonial Penn Life Insurance.
Pamela Anderson ap-peared at a Hollywood Post Office to promote stamps honoring famous vegetarians on Tuesday. It’s not widely known that both Gandhi and Hitler were vegetarians. It’s proof that some vegetables make you a pacifist and other vegetables don’t.
The Federal Reserve bailed out the Eurozone Monday by printing $1 trillion to exchange for Euros. The planet’s in an uproar. We have cows doing ads asking us to eat more chicken and soon we will have trees doing ads asking us to audit the Federal Reserve.
Newt Gingrich’s recent surge in the polls prompted Mitt Romney to begin sniping at him in a Fox News interview Tuesday. Mitt called Newt a career politician. Mitt Romney would also be a career politician if the voters didn’t keep sending him back to Big Business.
NBA teams opened up training facilities to players for voluntary workouts Thursday in preparation for NBA training camp next week. Everyone is so grateful that the NBA is back in business. Congress was on the edge of granting a federal bailout for tattoo artists.
L.A. cops in riot gear arrested 200 Occupy L.A. protesters Wednesday while removing everyone from the park where they’d camped. The end came quickly. Police had heard the evicted New Yorkers were coming to join them and L.A. has a zero tolerance for jaywalking.
The Journal Fertility published a study showing that heat from laptop computers can destroy sperm when resting on a man’s lap. No one’s surprised. It’s not the first time we have learned that playing video games is a 100 percent effective form of birth control.
Toyota introduced a motorized chair at the Tokyo Auto Show Monday which has the capacity to widen its wheels and motor around in street traffic. It’s a cross between a motorcycle and a recliner. In Los Angeles they’re already being marketed as starter homes.
Democratic Sen. Bob Casey of Pennsylvania decided not to be seen at a Scranton political event with President Obama Wednesday because the president’s so unpopular in Pennsylvania. It gets worse. He’s so unpopular in Los Angeles that he has to pay Screen Actors Guild minimum just to get people to stand on the tarmac and be in pictures with him.
McDonald’s outsmarted San Francisco’s ban on selling fast food with children’s toys Thursday by selling Happy Meals without toys and then charging parents 10 cents for the toy. Hooray for capitalism. If liberals had written the Declaration of Independence it would have guaranteed every American the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of broccoli.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.2.11

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