Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Green Bay Packers will sell stock in the team to their fans today. The fans are so glad to be back on top. They were in last place for so long they had to read the sports pages upside-down just to get a feeling of what it’d be like to see the team in first place.
The Salt Lake City Tribune said a Utah hunter was shot in the buttocks when his dog stepped on his shotgun in his boat. He can’t sit down for a week. When Betty White and Bob Barker tell you to neuter your dogs, they never warn you about the revenge factor.
Congress permitted the sale of horsemeat in grocery stores for human consumption Friday. The reaction was decidedly mixed. Animal lovers are horrified but next year’s Kentucky Derby could see the fastest race times in history by all twenty horses in the race.
Wall Street celebrated as the stock market rose past twelve thousand Friday. It was a wild day. The hedge funds that own Obama were selling their shares to the banks that own Romney and the banks that own Romney were dumping Romney to buy Gingrich.
President Obama released numbers Friday claiming U.S. unemployment dropped one half of a percent. However the statistics didn’t count three hundred thousand job seekers who gave up. The numbers are so massaged that Al Gore took off his towel in front of them.
Newt Gingrich confidently predicted Friday that he will win the GOP nomination for president. The former speaker made a strong case. He said he believes that Americans want an adult in the White House, and no one has a better record of adultery than he does.
GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain returned to his wife in Georgia Friday after spending months and months on the road campaigning for president. It was a happy reunion. All his clothes were in the driveway and he hadn’t seen some of them for months.
Michelle Obama showed a four-hundred-pound gingerbread house among the East Room Christmas decorations Friday. The realism is amazing. It shows two realtors and a banker negotiating the short sale in the front yard as the family is being dragged off by the sheriff.
The FBI reported a record for gun background checks on Black Friday, when a hundred thirty thousand guns were bought. One-fourth were sold to first-time buyers. It seems like every week a new Mexican cartel pops up and the Justice Department rushes out to register them.
Los Angeles was hit by ninety-mile-an-hour winds Thursday that knocked over poles and uprooted trees. Five hundred thousand people were without electricity and eating canned food without heat. The cops moved in and arrested them for occupying Los Angeles.
Prince William and Prince Harry agreed to be ambassadors to the London Olympics Friday. They’ll encourage British athletes to win. If the Olympics add escaping embassy mobs as a demonstration sport, Britain will capture the gold just on their years of experience alone.
General Motors offered to buy back Chevy Volts from car owners who are worried about the engine catching fire. The electric car already wasn’t selling, and now it’s catching on fire. After twenty years of challenges, oil remains the undefeated heavyweight champion of the world and has just been offered a contract to endorse countertop grills.
Penn State announced it’ll donate a million dollars from bowl proceeds to victims of sex abuse. It’s quite a turnaround for the school’s football program. Until recently they were offering full-ride scholarships to boys voted Best Looking by their senior classmates.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 12.6.11

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