Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Alec Baldwin was kicked off an American Airlines flight when he couldn’t stop playing Words with Friends on his iPhone Tuesday. You can tell baby boomers are getting older. First we went to rehab for alcohol, then drugs, then sexual addiction and now crossword puzzles.
President Obama told a Kansas crowd that America’s principles of free markets and rugged individualism have never worked. He cast himself as the savior of the middle class. He won’t be satisfied until Tim Tebow gives credit to him after every completed pass.
Denver Broncos president John Elway refused to endorse Tim Tebow as their future quarterback Tuesday. There’s fan safety to consider. When Tim Tebow takes a knee to run out the clock at the end of the game a dove appears, and fall is dove season in Colorado.
The Green Bay Packers sold stock in the team for $250 per share Tuesday. The stock yields no dividends, can’t be sold or traded, and gets you no game tickets. It’s a better-yielding long-term investment to drink beer and save the cans.
Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich got 14 years Wednesday for corruption. This points out the difference between the West and the Midwest. California prisons are overcrowded due to cocaine arrests and Illinois jails are overcrowded due to governors.
London condom-maker Futura got British approval for a condom laced with Viagra Tuesday causing the stock to soar. John Corzine is furious. He can’t believe he paid Bill Clinton $50,000 a year for investment advice and Clinton kept this to himself.
Mitt Romney released an attack TV ad in Iowa Tuesday pointing out Newt Gingrich’s admission of past adultery and three wives. This could backfire on Romney. Newt has a new wife every couple of years and you know how everyone loves White House weddings.
The Library of Congress obtained the archive of every tweet ever sent by everybody Tuesday when Twitter donated access to its tweet bank. They will die of boredom reading them all. Not every Twitter user is as colorful and informative as Anthony Weiner.
President Obama’s daughters and their classmates were served a special Japanese meal at school on Pearl Harbor Day. That’s a bit much. Someone must stop this school before they take the kids to Der Wienerschnitzel to mark the first night of Hanukkah with strudel.
Germany got French approval on Tuesday for allowing German banks to dictate the rules to solve the EU debt crisis. Europe’s new rules are now written in German. Life magazine has a picture on the cover of a German sailor kissing a girl on the streets of Paris.
Donald Trump invited the GOP presidential candidates to participate in a TV debate he will host in three weeks for NewsMax. He denied claims he’s just hosting the debate to promote himself. It will be held in at the Donald Trump Presidential Library and Casino.
The White House asked the Senate to re-think its unanimous vote to slap sanctions on Iran Wednesday, causing senators to rip the administration for coddling the Islamic Republic This is just the tip of the iceberg. In six months we’ll find out that the Justice Department has sold nuclear weapons to Iran in a secret effort to track down the kingpins.
FAA head Randy Babbitt resigned after his arrest Saturday for drunken driving and for driving on the wrong side of the road. He was in charge of U.S. air safety. We can’t have somebody like Randy Babbitt telling Alec Baldwin he’s a danger to public safety.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 12.9.11

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