Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Pearl Harbor marked the seventieth anniversary of the Japanese raid on the U.S. Navy base in Hawaii Wednesday. Every few years the surviving Japanese pilots attend the reunion ceremony. The visit is always a big surprise, they never announce they are coming.
Alec Baldwin vowed to boycott American Airlines after he was kicked off a flight Tuesday. We all face choices at the airport. With American Airlines stock selling at twenty cents a share most people can’t decide whether they should pay the baggage fee or buy half the company.
Newt Gingrich met with the Christian Broadcasting Network Wednesday to discuss his past. He said his marital infidelity was driven partly by his passion for America. If Newt Gingrich can sell that one to the voters he’s a cinch to win the Bill Clinton Peace Prize.
Penn State’s former assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky was finally arrested and jailed Wednesday after forty charges of sexual abuse. It’s exhausting. He wasn’t in jail for thirty minutes before he went on Facebook and updated his status to In a Relationship.
Canada hockey coach Graham Jones pleaded guilty Friday to the past sexual abuse of junior hockey players. Just this month, that’s a football, a basketball, and a hockey coach. Baseball players start taking steroids so early they never really look like twelve-year-olds.
Iran aired video of the U.S. spy plane that went down in the eastern mountains of Iran Thursday. The CIA is believed to use these drones to spy on Iran’s nuclear facilities. The plane is insisting it was just hiking in the mountains and strayed accidentally into Iran.
Mexico said Friday its security services foiled a plot by Moammar Kadaffi’s son to enter Mexico illegally and live in luxury. It had to be humbling. Mexicans thought that illegal immigration was their specialty til they uncovered a tunnel from Libya to Puerto Vallarta.
Vladimir Putin slammed the U.S. government for noting how his United Russia Party stuffed ballot boxes and cheated to win on Tuesday. He misunderstood. When the U.S. president and the Secretary of State are both from Chicago there’s a real chance it was a compliment.
Brussels hosted a meeting of Eurozone countries Friday to ask Germany to supervise the EU debt crisis. It’ll be tough. The Germans want fiscal discipline, social austerity and plenty of shade trees from Poland to Spain so their bankers don’t have to march in the sun.
Southern California repair crews kept toiling Wednesday after a week of high winds uprooted trees, downed phone lines and cut off power. Thousands of people went without cable and couldn’t recharge their cellphones, laptops, iPods and iPads. Everyone was forced to live like a 1980’s television show and look at each other while they were talking.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.12.11

Print