Argus Hamilton

LA JOLLA — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Dan Quayle endorsed Mitt Romney for president just hours before Thursday’s GOP debate on Fox News. He probably wants this thing settled and over with fast. Dan Quayle must be sick and tired of turning on the TV every night and seeing Rick Perry steal his act.
The USDA perfected meat safety inspection technology Thursday. U.S. inspectors can now track cows everywhere they go in North America, everywhere they graze and every stall in which they sleep. Republicans just proposed giving every illegal alien a cow.
Newt Gingrich saw Iowa polls showing everyone knows he’s erratic, brilliant and an adulterer. With Bush we knew his parents, with Newt we know his pattern. We have new security measures at the White House, we don’t let anyone in without identity verification.
NFL owners approved the sale of the Jacksonville Jaguars to Pakistan-born Shalid Khan Friday. He loves the pre-game. Being from Pakistan he’s never seen U.S. planes flyover because stealth technology doesn’t let you know they’re overhead until you have been hit.
Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows starring Robert Downey Jr. opened Friday in which the detective battles the evil Professor Moriarty. They’re playing for keeps this time. The professor tries to blow up the world when the governor of Wisconsin cuts his pension.
Elizabeth Taylor’s entire jewelry collection was auctioned at Christie’s Friday. The jewels fetched a hundred and forty million dollars. When you get married nine times you accumulate a lot of jewelry, half of it before the proposal and half of it after the cheating.
Senate Democrats prepared to give up on their demand for a surtax on millionaires Friday. They’re tired of hearing from voters about the terrible economy and they want to go home for Christmas. They can’t wait to get to the shopping malls so they can be alone.
The Death Penalty Information Center in Washington reports the lowest number of state executions last year in thirty-five years. Only forty men were put to death. It’s a sad fact that every athlete declines with age and Texas Governor Rick Perry is no exception.
President Obama was reported Thursday to have lost the support of young voters in a national survey by Harvard University. The backlash is real. The three top yearbook honors for high school students today are Most Popular, Best Athlete, and Most Like Nixon.
The NTSB urged states to ban drivers from using all electronic devices while driving Tuesday. That’s a bad idea. Texting while driving may actually increase safety, it allows Americans to signal for a left-hand turn on their Facebook page where everyone can see it.
Swiss scientists used an atom-smashing machine Tuesday to get closer to finding the God Particle. Many feared the atom collisions would spawn tiny black holes that eat the Earth. So global warming could actually save us by burning their mouths on the first bite.
Pamela Anderson played Mary in a Nativity Scene comedy skit on a Canadian variety show Thursday, offending Catholics. She’s done riskier things. Two years ago Pamela Anderson had breast reduction surgery, a procedure widely regarded in show business as retirement.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.19.11

Print