Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The NFL signed a TV deal with Fox, CBS, NBC and ESPN Friday which pays the league twenty-eight billion dollars. To advertisers, some NFL stars have become modern gods. Just last year, Geico saved fifteen percent on its auto insurance by switching to Tim Tebow.
Madonna will perform the Super Bowl halftime show sponsored by Bridgestone next month. No political candidate or political party can air commercials. The NFL doesn’t allow any issue ads in the Super Bowl unless the issue is whether or not cleavage sells beer.
U.S. troops formally ended the War in Iraq Thursday by lowering the U.S. flag at the U.S. Army base in Baghdad. They’ll be back to work soon. If the environmentalists prevent the Keystone pipeline, we’re thinking the weapons of mass destruction might be in Canada.
Conde Nast advised Christmas travelers to pack two days of necessities in carry-on baggage onboard. It can save your trip. Last week when Charlie Sheen flew to New York the TSA wouldn’t allow him to bring more cocaine than would fit in one small zipper bag.
Victoria’s Secret was accused Friday of buying its cotton from a poor African country that abuses child workers. They beat kids with branches as they pick the cotton. Liberals could boycott and buy synthetic rayon, but they’d rather support slavery than oil companies.
President Obama blamed the recession Thursday on thirty years of policies that have brought us to this point. That makes everything the fault of two Bushes, a Reagan and a Clinton. The Obama Presidential Library will feature four wings of blame and a gift shop.
Lowe’s Home Improvement stores canceled their sponsorship of All-American Muslim on TLC prompting Muslim groups to protest outside a New Jersey store. It didn’t go very well at all. They were repeatedly interrupted by Mafia wives offering them yard work.
USA Today reported that half a million Baby Boomers have returned to college in the last two years to learn high-tech skills and computers. It’s an exchange program. In return the Baby Boomers are teaching the college kids how to roll one-paper joints in a hurricane.
Mitt Romney ripped Newt Gingrich Thursday for having a half-million dollar line of credit at Tiffany’s. It looked unseemly for Republicans to wage class warfare on one another. Mitt Romney is super-rich and Newt is solvent, which is rich by today’s standards.
Forbes magazine said the six members of the Walton family who own Wal-Mart have a net worth equal to the poorest thirty percent of the U.S. That’s how far down the economy has gone. We live in a world where people in Arkansas are the object of class envy.
Michelle Obama told People magazine Friday she doesn’t allow her daughters Sasha and Malia to go on Facebook. She said there’s no reason for people they don’t know to know their family business. So many people in Chicago feel that way that the Justice Department has an entire division for them.
Norway cut butter tariffs after butter hit five hundred dollars a pound Friday. They blame the shortage of butter on low dairy output due to a rainy summer in Norway, as well as the popularity of high-fat diets, for using up all the butter. Butter is so profitable in Wisconsin this year that Holstein jerseys are more popular than Aaron Rodgers jerseys.
Kansas regulators on Tuesday approved a thirty-five hundred mega-watt transmission line to carry wind farm electricity from Kansas to Indiana. The governor said it’ll create a lot of jobs. Ambulance drivers should make a lot of money driving electrocution victims to burn wards during tornado season.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 12.20.11

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