Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Tim Tebow’s winning streak ended at the hands of the New England Patriots Sunday at home in Denver. The quarterback was limited to one miracle. In the first quarter, Tim Tebow scored a touchdown on a twelve-yard run and when he spiked the ball he struck oil.
The Jacksonville Jaguars were purchased last Monday by Pakistani billionaire Shahid Khan. The pre-game flyovers annoy him. When Pakistanis see a U.S. plane flying overhead they never know if it’s going to drop a bomb on them or spell out Drink Pepsi in skywriting.
Webster’s Dictionary selected the word pragmatic as Word of the Year Friday due to its frequent use in political and economic discourse. Language matters. Just this week North Korea’s leader changed his named to Kim Jong Gone, seeing that he’s not ill anymore.
North Korea’s dictator Kim Jong-Il died on Sunday. Every day he drank two quarts of cognac, smoked Cuban cigars, took Cialis and dated teenage girls. In his honor, the front row at L.A. Lakers games will sit in the missing dirty old man formation for the entire season.
Gary Busey announced in Hollywood Thursday he’s withdrawing his endorsement of Newt Gingrich for president. That’s gratitude for you. In the last debate Newt Gingrich promised he would drag judges in front of Congress and he only did it to please Gary Busey.
The Texas high school title game at Cowboys Stadium on Friday was marred by a runaway golf cart on the field during post-game interviews. That’s how bad the economy is. Golf carts which take injured players off the field are running people over just to stay employed.
Jeb Bush wrote a piece in the Wall Street Journal Monday leaving many to speculate he may enter the GOP race. We’re so fed up with gridlock, we’re turning to hereditary monarchy. Jeb’s all we have after Prince Harry got a look at the books and turned us down.
Newt Gingrich’s poll numbers fell in Iowa Monday after attacks on him, including one by an Ohio congressman who publicly compared Newt to a sober Charlie Sheen. There’s a very important difference. Charlie will gladly get in bed with Fanny but never with Freddie.
Walter Reed National Medical Center in Washington was pressured to reverse its ban on family members bringing Bibles to wounded soldiers. The families are relieved. They are tired of having to wrap the Bibles in Playboy magazines to get them past security.
President Obama refused to call the U.S. war effort in Iraq a victory Sunday as the last U.S. troops slipped across the border into Kuwait. The Emir of Kuwait was pretty upset until the U.S. government assured him that the U.S. troops aren’t coming to bring democracy.
President Obama said he won’t sign a GOP-passed payroll tax that’s tied to approval of the Keystone pipeline. He doesn’t want environmentalists heckling him during the campaign. He only has three snappy comebacks and he wants to use them on the Tea Party.
Journal Pediatrics released a study Monday showing that one American in three will be arrested by the time they reach college age. There’s a huge margin of error in the study. If Ron Paul gets elected and pot is legalized, we’ll have seventy million clean records.
The Air Force said Monday that a third of U.S. drone spy plane operators are suffering from exhaustion. The airmen operate drones by remote control from a base near Las Vegas. They jerk joysticks and push buttons to control aircrafts and fire missiles. It’s the only branch of the service where basic training involves entering slot tournaments.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.21.11

Print