HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Ron Paul seized the lead in the Iowa polls for the first time Thursday, replacing Newt Gingrich at the top. Every four weeks Republicans overthrow their leader. It’s a trick to win voters from Central America by looking the most like their governments back home.
Barry Bonds got two hundred fifty hours of community service for misleading a jury on steroid use. Ballplayers have come up with some creative defenses. They weren’t all bulked up from steroids in the Nineties, they were just skinny from cocaine in the Eighties.
Kim Kardashian was accused of using slave labor to sew all her clothes in China. TV reality stars are so clueless. They use slave labor to make their clothes when there are plenty of Hollywood writers they’ve put out of work who’d love to have those sewing jobs.
USC quarterback Matt Barkley announced he will pass up millions of NFL dollars and play for the Trojans his senior year. It’s proof that the L.A. real estate market will come back. People would rather work for free in Los Angeles than live where there is a winter.
Air Jordan Concords were released by Nike Friday, causing customers to riot at Foot Locker stores. It’s a mystery why. Anyone who’s seen Michael Jordan play recently knows that it is just a superstition to believe that the right pair of shoes will help you roll sevens.
The Washington Times revealed how Tim Tebow got to start for Denver this fall. There are three Muslim brothers who bought a billboard calling for Tebow to start. Tebow and the previous quarterback were playing equally well, but Muslims believe tie goes to the virgin.
President Obama enjoyed a five-point jump in the Gallup Poll Thursday in his largest weekly approval gain. No one thought he could get re-elected a year ago. Things were looking pretty bad for President Obama until the Republicans began putting up candidates.
Jimmy Carter sent his condolences to North Korea on the death of Kim Jong Il. The president is furious. When Jimmy Carter issued his condolences, President Obama was just about to hold a press conference to take credit for giving the go order for the heart attack.
Congress passed a two-month extension of the payroll tax cut Friday which included unemployment and other goodies. The GOP wanted a year-long bill but were shamed out of it. Democrats love Christmas so much they want to hand out presents every two months.
Mitt Romney was overjoyed when he received the endorsement of former president George H.W. Bush Thursday. The endorsement always carries an unspoken obligation. Every four years the Bush family endorses the candidate most likely to invade an I-country.
Senator Chuck Schumer ripped a new product called Aero-Shot which lets users inhale a one hundred milligram blast of caffeine gas. It’s suspicious. He must have just gotten a donation from Starbucks because he’s trying to shut down all competing sobriety products.
U.S. Rep. Jim Sensenbrenner slammed Michelle Obama for lecturing Americans on food when she has such a big posterior. She’s trying to fight obesity. It doesn’t look good when Indonesia sounds a tsunami warning every time an American wades into the Pacific Ocean.
President Obama flew to Hawaii to join Michelle for Christmas vacation Friday. The president looks forward to his annual getaway to Oahu. It’s thousands of miles away and it gives him a chance to hang out with all his old buddies from the Starship Enterprise.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.27.11