Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Mel Gibson agreed to a four hundred million dollar divorce settlement with his wife of thirty years, Robyn Moore, at the Beverly Hills Courthouse Monday. It could have been a lot worse. By waiting until the day after Christmas, Mel got the divorce for seventy percent off.
Maria Shriver was reported on Sunday to be reconciling with Arnold Schwarzenegger. She had absolutely no idea he was cheating on her with the maid in their bed. The adultery was bad enough but it ruined her reputation at NBC News as a crack investigative reporter.
Mitt Romney led Iowa polls Sunday over, in order, Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry, and Michele Bachmann. This format for winning the Iowa GOP caucuses is the opposite of a stand-up comic competition on TV. The funnier you are, the earlier you get eliminated.
The Iron Lady opens this week starring Meryl Streep as Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. It’s easier to run for prime minister than for U.S. president. A candidate for prime minister doesn’t have to produce a birth certificate because everywhere used to be Britain.
Iran’s Navy conducted war games in the Straits of Hormuz Sunday in preparation for a Persian Gulf War. There’s only one explanation. The Iranians placed a big bet in Vegas that Jeb Bush will end up being the GOP nominee, and they’re putting a thumb on the scale.
Barry Bonds was sentenced to house arrest last week for lying under oath about steroids eight years ago. The verdict doesn’t sound according to Hoyle. Barry Bonds told the U.S. government that he didn’t do steroids same year that the U.S. government told Barry Bonds that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction, and nobody pays in liar’s poker if both guys are bluffing.
The Justice Department agreed Friday to let states run online gambling. For once, gaming advocates have the moral high ground. The spread of online Keno, poker and blackjack will give Facebook users something a lot more constructive to do with their time.
Newt Gingrich’s divorce papers were uncovered Monday, showing that his first wife did not want the divorce as he claimed. Papers show that while he was a state legislator he stopped supporting his family and they were forced to rely on a food bank. It was the first of many times that Newt Gingrich’s career was advanced by donations from a bank.
President Obama began his vacation in Hawaii Saturday in a beach-front house he’s rented for two weeks. It’s listed on the market for six million dollars. Like all houses in Hawaii it has to have a separate circuit breaker for the rice cooker or it’s not up to code.
President Obama arrived in Hawaii late after a six-thousand mile flight on Friday. He slept the first night, then he enjoyed a round of golf with unnamed friends and his Secret Service detail. You can’t expect him to break his daily work habits the first day of vacation.
The Obama campaign returned seventy grand to MF Global’s Jon Corzine Monday. The CEO couldn’t tell Congress how the firm wound up in bankruptcy. He lost a billion dollars of other people’s money, which is enough to get you a lifetime pass to the U.S. Senate gym.
Kim Jong Il’s body was put on public display under glass in Pyongyang for everybody to see on Friday. He’s the third communist leader after Stalin and Lenin to be placed under glass and publicly exhibited after death. This is why the mothers of communist dictators tell their kids to always wear clean underwear in case they get into an arranged car wreck.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 12.28.11

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