HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Titanic Memorial Cruises announced today it has completely sold out two cruise liners replicating the Titanic’s voyage a hundred years ago. They’re selling the cruise as a pain-free way to get out from under your debts. The water is so cold you won’t feel anything for long.
North Korea held a funeral for Kim Jong Il Tuesday in the capital city of Pyongyang. To raise money he made fake Viagra pills and counterfeit hundred dollar bills. The copies are perfect except that Benjamin Franklin looks way too happy on the fake Viagra package.
President Obama raised the debt ceiling Tuesday and borrowed another one trillion dollars. Our debt now totals fifteen trillion dollars. It was our bad luck that Michael Jordan just happened to be vacationing in Honolulu and started the president out at two dollars a hole.
Mitt Romney’s health care insurance mandates in Massachusetts came under harsh fire from conservatives in Iowa Tuesday. They say the government can’t force you to buy anything you don’t want. That’s the job of lingerie models in Super Bowl commercials.
Newt Gingrich slipped to third in the Iowa polls Tuesday as conservatives bailed out on him. He’s falling fast. Newt’s popularity in Iowa began sliding two weeks ago when he signed a pledge promising to be faithful to his wife and out of habit he signed it John Smith.
Pope Benedict gave a Christmas Eve sermon in Vatican Square and spoke out against materialism. Donations must be down. Next year the pope is going to move his Christmas sermon to right after Thanksgiving while everybody still has their credit cards out.
New York Governor Andrew Cuomo pushed Monday for casino gambling to be legal in New York. This’ll be fun. Under New York state gambling laws, hedge fund managers will be advised what number is about to come up before you’re allowed to spin the roulette wheel.
Forbes rated the Texas Longhorns as America’s most lucrative college football team Tuesday. They generated one hundred and thirty million last fall. Penn State was fifth at one hundred million, but half of that went for police escorts in and out of the men’s shower.
The Mexican Army captured Felipe Cabrera Sarabia, the security chief of the powerful Sinaloa drug cartel. They seized his computer files. The Mexican Army generals agreed to crack down on movie piracy after three studio executives promised to read all their screenplays.
L.A. voters will get to decide whether porn actors have to to wear condoms while filming in the city. If the measure passes, production will just move to other cities. There are plenty of empty K-marts where porno movies can be filmed for five dollars if they use the existing security cameras.
President Obama rated himself America’s fourth best president behind Lincoln, FDR and LBJ last Sunday. That’s ominous. It looks like Obama’s idea of a perfect second term involves a civil war, a huge federal spending program, and bringing democracy to Vietnam.
Journal Pediatrics called Tuesday for all states to pass laws exempting public breastfeeding from public indecency statutes. It’s overdue. Last month one state legislature voted to ban public breastfeeding just in time to adjourn and make happy hour at Hooters.
Western scientists came close to isolating the God Particle while they were smashing atoms in a proton collider in Geneva Friday. It’s cutting-edge science. They want to learn how the universe came to be, and as soon as they find out, they are going to drop it on Iran.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.29.11