Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Here’s part two of our annual look back at the year in jokes.
JULY — Harvard  re-leased a study finding that Fourth of July celebrations turn children into conservatives. The republic may survive after all. It just takes a stirring speech and a fireworks show once a year to undo two hundred seventy days of public school education.
Arnold Schwarzeneg-ger’s maid sold details of their affair to the tabloids Monday and included a photo of their thirteen-year-old son. He looks just like Arnold. The boy is half German and half-Mexican, meaning there’s not a border in the world than can stop this kid.
AUGUST — The Rise of the Planet of the Apes topped the movie box office Sunday with fifty-four million dollars in ticket sales. The plot is quite believable. In the movie, the apes take over everything and within a year the United States is debt-free and the budget is balanced.
Scotland Yard hired former L.A. police chief Bill Bratton to consult with them on how to prevent further rioting in London. It’s preventable. England has decided to adopt the American way of dealing with angry street mobs, which is to make them too fat to riot.
SEPTEMBER — Wall Street calmed down Tuesday after a wild one-week up and down ride. Investors are wary. The best yielding dividends in this recession are Apple stock, Google stock, and Miller Lite if you drank ten thousand of them in the last three years and saved the cans.
Heidi Klum sunbathed topless in an Arizona hotel pool causing locals to call the cops Friday. What could they do? Heidi is from Germany, but if she got those her breasts in Beverly Hills, then she’s here legally because California law considers them anchor breasts.
OCTOBER — Occupy Wall Street protesters stood in a Manhattan park and chanted for free health care in America. If you want free health care in America, go to the airport. They give you free x-rays, free breast exams, and if you just mention al-Qaeda you get a free colonoscopy.
Hank Williams Jr. apologized for comparing President Obama to Adolf Hitler Sunday in a Fox News interview. It only got worse from there. Within two days the surviving members of the Hitler family appeared on German television and accepted Hank’s apology.
NOVEMBER — Herman Cain was hit by a third sexual harassment charge Tuesday from a one-time staffer who said he invited her to his hotel room. There’s a standard explanation. Like a lot of CEOs he likes to travel with a secretary near his bed in case he gets any ideas at night.
The GOP candidates held a debate in Iowa Wednesday that aired on CNBC. They took turns accusing President Obama of making America unfit, unsafe and broken down. If Chinese leaders watched this debate, they must wonder about the country they just bought.
DECEMBER — Pearl Harbor marked the seventieth anniversary of the Japanese raid on the U.S. Navy base in Hawaii. Every few years, the surviving Japanese pilots attend the solemn ceremony. Their visit is always a big surprise, they never announce they are coming.
Iran vowed to blow the U.S. Navy out of the water if Iran decides to close the Straits of Hormuz. It’s a song we know so well. While it’s been nine years since we overthrew an oil country and installed a U.S.-backed regime, some things are like riding a bicycle.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 1.4.12.

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