Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Ron Paul was cheered by his college-age supporters Tuesday after he finished third in Iowa. He’s vowed to legalize prostitution, marijuana, and cocaine. Two months into a Ron Paul presidency America’s top coffee-table magazine would be Charlie Sheen Living.
Texas Governor Rick Perry told disappointed Iowa backers Tuesday he’d fly home to Texas and pray about whether to stay in the race. The next day he tweeted he was in the race to win. Every four years God picks out one candidate to advise for his own amusement.
Mitt Romney’s real first name is unknown to Americans according to a CBS news poll Tuesday. Six percent responded by saying Mittens and six percent responded correctly by saying Willard. The remaining eighty-eight percent responded by saying no comprende.
Dennis Rodman confirmed Monday he will coach a topless women’s basketball team for a high-priced strip club in New York. The strip clubs are forming a league on the East Coast. The games will be televised in Los Angeles on the Plastic Surgery Shopping Channel.
German citizen Harry Burkhart was arrested for setting all the car fires in driveways in L.A. between Christmas and New Year’s Day. He set fifty-two arson fires across town. As long as the German is not breaking windows, Iran is still the number-one threat to Israel.
L.A. Galaxy’s David Beckham opted to stay in L.A. and not play for a French team where he was traded. It was a no-brainer. David Beckham supports four kids in private school in L.A., which is a better deal than moving to Paris and supporting Italy, Portugal and Greece.
President Obama defied Congress and named four recess appointments without any confirmation hearings Tuesday. This is war. The good news is, the military-industrial complex can forget about Iran and get rich selling weapons to Congress and the president.
President Obama drew cheers from a gym full of Cleveland Democrats Wednesday in Ohio. He really missed the campaign trail the last four years. He thought he’d enjoy worship services every Sunday but then he realized that everyone is facing away from him.
Ron Paul called Newt Gingrich a chicken hawk for being warlike after using student deferments to get out of Vietnam. Other chicken hawks include Bill Clinton and Dick Cheney. It proves that the accusation will ruin your political career after your two terms are up.
Mitt Romney won in Iowa Tuesday even though seventy-five percent of Republicans oppose him. The opposition to Mitt Romney within the GOP is hardening. According to the label, if the condition lasts longer than four months they have to consult a physician.
Rick Santorum flew to New Hampshire Wednesday after his stunning showing in Iowa. He was so low in the polls until last week that nobody bothered to attack him. However, any day now his lifelong connection to Penn State will be placed under the glare of the shower head.
President Obama’s web speech to Iowa Democrats Monday was marred by video and audio glitches. In addition there were no cheers, no clapping and no chants for him. After the speech he fired the video engineer and the audio engineer and the warm-up comedian.
L.A. arsonist Harry Burkhart was reported Tuesday to have been upset that his mother was about to be deported. They ran a massage parlor and advertised sex for one hundred and sixty dollars. People in L.A. don’t mind that immigrants drive without a license, or flood our schools and hospitals, but we’ll be damned if we’re going to sit back while they undercut our prices.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.6.12

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