Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Mitt Romney faces conservative GOP voters in the New Hampshire primary Tuesday in a crucial vote. Most of them will hold their noses and vote for him. Mitt Romney made most of his money on Wall Street but some of it he’s made with his Castor Oil endorsement.
Microsoft was granted a U.S. patent Friday for a new GPS app that helps drivers avoid entering a ghetto or high-crime area. It’s always causing concern in Washington D.C. Lobbyists and street corner coke dealers have to disable it or they can’t get to their offices.
Joseph P. Kennedy III made plans to run for retiring Barney Frank’s House seat. The Democrats see the polls saying America’s on the wrong track. They think voters will be ready to replace the first gay congressman with a man from the First Family of Womanizing.
The Iron Lady starring Meryl Streep as Lady Margaret Thatcher opened Friday. The movie details the dementia that struck her late in life as it did Churchill and Reagan. Hollywood can’t honor a great woman without implying that conservatism rots your brain.
Kim Kardashian was targeted Friday in a TV ad by a group demanding higher taxes, complaining that she made twelve million dollars last year. It backfired. The next day a dozen girls dropped out of the Wharton School of Business to enroll in Beverly Hills High School.
The Texas Rangers hired Josh Hamilton’s father-in-law to support his recovery. He’ll monitor Josh on road trips. After you’re cured of drugs, sex addiction usually follows and that can only be cured by having your father-in-law sharing your hotel room with you.
U.S. Senator Marco Rubio wrote a letter to the president Friday saying that the U.S. was on track to become a deadbeat nation. His concern is the sixteen trillion dollar U.S. debt. Whenever the Oval Office phone rings, Obama lets the machine pick it up in case it’s China.
Facebook group Impeach Obama Now vowed to fly an Impeach Obama banner over the stadium in Indianapolis during the Super Bowl. It’s a domed stadium. This one little oversight is the first indication that Dan Quayle is once again active in conservative causes.
The White House proposed new hardship rules making it easier for illegal aliens to stay in the U.S. on Friday. How much easier does it have to be? All they have to do to get here is to walk across the border and all they have to do to stay here is register to vote.
The CIA is investigating if the White House leaked film of the Osama bin Laden kill to Sony Pictures. The studio made a movie about the raid. Osama nearly escaped when he heard John Williams and the orchestra on the roof recording the sound track of the movie.
The New York Post reports NBC News will not renew Chelsea Clinton’s contract as a feature news reporter. It was inevitable. NBC is tired of somebody from her mother’s office constantly jumping in front of the TV cameras and saying Chelsea doesn’t talk to the media.
The NFL said Aaron Rodgers’s Green Bay Packers jersey was the top-selling jersey last year at the NFL’s online store with Tim Tebow’s jersey second. That’s easily explained. Only married guys buy the Tebow jersey, it’s no good at all if you’re trying pick up women.
Rick Santorum was booed in New Hampshire when he compared same-sex marriage to polygamy Friday. It cast serious doubts. If he can’t tell the difference between San Francisco and Salt Lake City, how is he going to know whether he’s attacking Iraq or Iran?
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.10.12

Print