Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Tim Tebow caused a record volume of Twitter tweets when he led Denver to victory Sunday. Twitter almost shut down. Nobody ever would have believed that millions of people would rush onto the Internet at the same time just to watch a guy be abstinent.
Tiger Woods’s ex-wife Elin Nordegren demolished the couple’s twelve million dollar mansion in Florida Friday. All that’s left of the home is rubble. No one wants to say that Tiger was lucky to get out of this mess alive, but she demolished the house with a nine-iron.
Mississippi’s Governor Haley Barbour pardoned four convicted killers who’d served as trustees working at the governor’s mansion. He did it gladly. It’s a point of pride with Mississippi governors that they’re now freeing people without Yankee troops on the lawn.
The Centers for Disease Control warned on Thursday that binge drinking in the U.S. is on the rise. One-sixth of Americans get drunk once a month. President Obama could be impeached for making recess appointments while Animal House was technically in session.
Fidel Castro wrote in his newspaper column Sunday that ninety percent of American would vote for a robot over President Obama. It’s clear what he wants. Fidel Castro is calling for Al Gore to mount a primary challenge to President Obama before it’s too late.
President Obama’s re-election office in Chicago sent out more fundraising letters for the president’s campaign this week. The money’s not coming in so fast. With peanut butter selling for six dollars a jar, Obama only wishes he was doing as well as Jimmy Carter.
The Wall Street Journal reports Hostess will file for Chapter Eleven bankruptcy. The venture capitalists moved in. Mitt Romney arrived and fired all the cupcakes, refused to allow the Twinkies to get married and accused Newt Gingrich of paying the Ho-Hos for sex.
Mitt Romney was attacked by his GOP rivals Tuesday for his ties to his private equity firm Bain Capital. There’s a lot of hypocrisy here. Texas Governor Rick Perry criticized Romney for saying that he likes to fire people, this from a guy who likes to set fire to people.
Newt Gingrich asked Tuesday if capitalism is about rich people being able to manipulate the lives of people and walk off with the money. Republicans are furious at him for this rhetoric. The RNC just ordered him to play from the ladies tees until he apologizes.
Newt Gingrich’s backers made a movie depicting Mitt Romney as a corporate raider Tuesday. The movie points out that Romney likes to take over large and unprofitable companies, then fire people until they’re profitable. That’s exactly what Romney plans to do with the federal bureaucracy, but he is still negotiating with China over his stock option package.
Mitt Romney’s great-grandfather was revealed Sunday to have fled to Mexico. He was trying to avoid being prosecuted for polygamy. America would like to have just one president outside the Bush family that can prove beyond the shadow of a doubt he was born in America.
The Labor Department said Monday today’s world economy requires the U.S. to have a mobile workforce. Last week a Florida teacher quit her job to become a stripper. In tough economic times, sometimes you have to resort to making five times as much money.
The Smithsonian gift shop began selling miniature sculptures of U.S. presidents which are made in China. The depictions show full respect. However, President Nixon never drove a tank over a pro-democracy protester, even though it captures the spirit of the man.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.12.12

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